Monday, April 23, 2012

Becoming Myself...


Before the itch I was struggling with anxiety in a way I never experienced before.  At times, it paralyzed me to the point of not being able to function, especially at work.  I've had anxiety for my entire life, but it never presented itself in the ugly form of panic attacks that took over my body.  I tried a daily medication because I was having such a hard time dealing with the daily grind...it did not work for me.  In fact, it made things worse.  Ultimately I decided to take it on and do my best to deal with the situation without medication.  In doing so, I had to try to find the antecedent.  What was causing this anxiety in the first place?   

Ironically enough, while waiting in the doctor's office I read an article in a magazine about Meredith Viera...she too suffers from anxiety.  While reading the article I had an "aha moment".  

The goal for perfection in all aspects of my life was causing such anxiety that I was unable to be effective and productive at anything.  I needed to be perfect at everything....at home and at work...the perfect mother, the perfect teacher, the perfect friend, daughter, and wife.    I felt like I was drowning; I would barely make it to the surface and another wave would come crashing over my head.  My ship was sinking, and I was unable to navigate safely to shore.  

Being diagnosed with the Big C has put things into perspective.  I wouldn't say I'm a recovered perfectionist because that would just be too miraculous an event.  I am, however, more comfortable with leaving things until tomorrow, allowing others to help me, letting go, and going with my father in law's "good enough" philosophy.  I make the effort to tell myself that some things just do not matter...

Isn't perfection relative anyway?  A perfect meal for me right now may consist of mashed potatoes, chicken and green beans...I'm thinking you wouldn't all be in agreement of that being your choice for dinner.  

In the world of social media where we have facebook, instagram, twitter, and pinterest, we are able to continuously "see" into the lives of other people.  It seems often when we do this we strive for something better, more ideal, more "perfect".  Instead, it would seem important that we look at our own, unique, lives and see the value in each aspect of it, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.  It is these experiences that shape us into who we ultimately become...amazing and unique individuals..."perfect" versions of ourselves.


“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”