Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Trying hard to choose hope even in the midst of my worst fear...

It's hard to know exactly where to begin on a post that is certainly a downer....reality, but a downer. Perhaps telling you to grab your tissues is a good place to start.

I posted this on Facebook

"The best things in life are not things, it's the people who make you feel loved and cared for."

I was trying not to be evident in my post, but as the circumstance slowly spread, the responses started indicating that things in our life are not ok.

So, me being who I am, I feel the need to share what is going on with all who are part of my life and feel the need to know. 

On Monday evening I received news that confirmed one of my biggest fears. The unwelcomed visitor who rudely interrupted our lives starting at the end of 2011 did not get the message straight. It came back...the Big C has metastasized (meaning it spread), and right now we know for sure it is in my brain.   It's not exactly possible to get rid of metastasized cancer (MC) in my brain, but the doctors are certainly going to do their best to "cage the tigers". I have immediately started radiation treatment for that and hoping with my entire being that the tumors are easily tamed forever really.
 For the next few days, I will continue various other scans to see if the MC is anywhere else in my body. Apparently I wasn't quite rude enough to this visitor the first time. I plan on being even more forceful this time...Get the F*$% out!

By far the most difficult thing about this has been bringing the news to our children. 

When our 11 year old asked us if I was going to die, it pretty much ripped our hearts out.  We are unable to answer that question with any type of certainty. Never, in my entire life, has anything been so difficult and immensely heartbreaking. They certainly do not deserve this deal and in the conversation with our E, we were even comfortable using some bad words to describe the whole situation. After all, he definitely deserves that right. We also gave him permission to whisper in Momma's ear "kick cancer's ass"! How can I not be motivated by that? 

During the past few days, I have been humbled and continuously brought to tears by the endless support of love. I am blessed to have so many people literally do this S;%t with me. 

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart because truly

"The best things in life are not things, it's the people who make you feel loved and cared for."

Thank you for the 
-prayers
-hugs
-texts of support and i love you's
-encouragement
-the belief that I can do this
-helping with my children
-meals
-cards
-flowers

Thank you for being a part of this horrific ride with us. It would not be possible to even attempt to conquer this situation on my own. It's actually very difficult for me not to feel terrible that so many people are affected by my struggle...ugh it hurts for me to see others hurt.  Boo Hiss to this!


I visited with my Memere today and found the time with her quite therapeutic.  Her ability to live precisely in the moment is something I'm definitely in envy of right now. 


I'm doing my best to take each day and go no further than that. I'm also continuously encouraged by my support system to have hope...I'm trying.