Wednesday, December 16, 2015


Today I had a rough morning emotionally. It's hard to tell exactly what sends me in that direction but I think a perfect storm was generated because of needing more sleep, having a hard time eating, having multiple appointments scheduled in the same week, chemotherapy side effects and various other daily stressors that happen in everyday life. 

I am surrounded by people daily who encourage me, say I'm strong and tell me I can do it and are doing it, but today, I didn't feel like I was doing anything except lots of crying, complaining, wallowing and having moments filled with anxiety. I felt weak and defeated, quite a distance away from feeling strong. 

My BFFSS (BFF Soul Sister) assured me that I WAS doing it because having bad days is part of has to be, otherwise how is this yuck being processed? She's a smart one. It's certainly true that I need to drag myself through the muck of this disease, wallow, fall down and sometimes crash. It's just not fun and it's not how I want to spend most of my days. 

So, about midday, I dragged myself out of the ditch, with some help, brushed myself off and carried on. Perhaps that is where the strength comes in.

I have to constantly remind myself that the important piece of all this is that I get back up  When I am not quite strong enough to give myself this reminder, others step in and help me.  I am blessed with abundant encouragement. 

Tomorrow will be my third doctor's appointment of the week. In the future, I will be trying my best to avoid multiple visits to a medical facility in one week. It's just too much. I do not have the emotional stamina to deal with this Big C junk and tell about my daily triumphs and struggles to more than one medical professional per week. 

I'd like to live with the majority of my time feeling as "normal" as possible.  I realize that fighting these intruders is my new full-time job, but I prefer to work from home most of the time. 

One of my sweet friends posted this on Facebook today. She has no idea how much I needed it. xo

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Brewing resilience...

Two weeks goes by so very fast, especially when there is a blog involved and you notice it's been that long since the last post. 

We've celebrated Thanksgiving, Vic and I went to the Cape for a long weekend for our 19th anniversary,  

and now... we are in full Christmas mode, thanks to Dad for spending all day helping me to undo and redo all the lights and assemble my "pre-lit" tree.

Along with all the festive fun we've been having, I'm still a cancer patient, but the good news...I have (very) brief moments when I forget. I'm hoping the moments continue to come and last even longer.

I have lost count I think, but I believe I'm currently halfway through my sixth cycle of oral chemotherapy pills. Because of some side effects, my dose has been decreased by one pill. 

Someone asked me the other day, "Are you done with the medicine?" I will never be done. This diagnosis comes with a lifetime supply of prescriptions to rid my body of the monsters and then keep them at bay. 

I still have ups and downs, but overall, I am currently having more good days than bad. My energy level is better, I'm not as consistently nauseous and some days, I even have moments when I feel "normal" for brief periods of time. Everyday, good or bad, I'm taking deep breaths and living the moment I'm given. 

Sometimes the moments are so very hard. We were watching a light hearted Christmas Movie on demand this past Saturday with our Little Miss. For some reason, we could not fast forward through the big deal right? Well, the problem was that the same, intense, commercial stating how many people die each year from the big C, was aired during every break.

At the beginning of the second time it played, Little Miss said, "Momma, this commercial freaks me out, it's so scary, I don't like the music."
From that moment on, each time it played we put the blanket over our heads and sang Christmas Carols at the top of our lungs. 

I'm all about educating others and making an impact to lower the number of deaths from Cancer, let's just refrain from disturbing commercials during a Family movie...UGH! Stupid cancer invading our movie night...I was not pleased!

Our life is hard, but we're doing it.
I continue to feel gratitude for the every day moments, even when they are intertwined with the yucky hard stuff. After all, the hard stuff brews resilience. 

I feel like we do a lot of that in this house lately, even more than we brew coffee.