June...

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew two things for sure, that I wanted to be a mom and a teacher. My brothers were my first students in the basement of our home. I created lessons and took great joy in correcting their work. My desires never changed, I went to college for teaching and became a special education teacher and have been for over twenty two years. Several years after becoming a teacher, I became a momma. 

Although the role I have valued most has certainly been as a mom, it cannot be denied that I also have a passion for teaching, especially in the area of special education. I find great joy in figuring out how students  best learn and helping them to discover just how capable they are as learners.

I took time off from teaching when my children were born and when I was diagnosed with the Big C both times. Since last June, I have taken a leave of absence from a job that I loved. Although I've ignored the fact that I would ultimately have to leave my job, it is now a year later, and it's time for me to face the music. Metastatic Breast Cancer allows no plans, as things seem to change constantly. Because of the uncertainty of MBC and how it has taken over my life, there is really no other option for me right now. It makes me angry that the Big C has caused this, but more than that, it makes me sad to know I have to leave one of the things I love most. It is hard for me to close this chapter of my life and even though I really have no idea what will happen in the future, I know that for now, I have to stop teaching. I'm truly hoping that someday this chapter will have to be edited and reopened, but for now, this is my reality. It's not easy for me to leave something that seemed to be one of my purposes in life, but apparently there is something more out there for me. Right now, I'm still in the process of figuring out just what that is.

In the meantime, I will be a momma to my two children and I will focus on other things I enjoy, such as crafting and photography. 

This has been a hard transition to go from teacher to full-time Big C patient, but we all know now that I can do hard things.

"The less routine the more life."

Amos Bronson Alcott

Charmed moments...

I would like to consider myself a consistent blogger, but I don't think that is really true. I'm an as needed blogger I think. I blog when I need to.  

Sometimes I have a lot to say and other times, my mind is quiet. I'm embracing the quiet times these days because more often than not, things are quite the opposite. 

The most common question asked of me continues to be,"How are you feeling?" And I continue to respond with"Considering what's going on, I'm doing ok." Some days I feel like I'm barely managing and other days I'm doing better than managing. The symptoms I contend with are really due to the chemotherapy pills, not the Big C itself. If the pills are strong enough to destroy the "Little F----ers", then they also tend to beat the rest of my body up as well. But,the symptoms are improving.

At the end of this month I have the appointment for my scans. With that upcoming date, I become more anxious. It seems "safest" for me to remain cautiously optimistic (a phrase I was introduced to by our social worker when we were going through the adoption process). 

I will have the results of those scans by Easter. I, of course, will share them.

I followed Little Miss outside with my camera in hand the other "spring-like" day and she said, "What are you going to take pictures of?"

"Can I take pictures of you?"

"Mom, you know I like to be alone outside."

After a small dose of begging, she let me take a few. It felt good to pick up my camera, walk around the yard and snap some photos, something I haven't done much of lately. I will continue to focus on these moments.

“...there is no such thing as a charmed life, not for any of us, no matter where we live or how mindfully we attend to the tasks at hand. But there are charmed moments, all the time, in every life and in every day, if we are only awake enough to experience them when they come and wise enough to appreciate them.” 

― Katrina Kenison, The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother's Memoir

Considering the circumstances...

Last Monday I had another brain MRI and Tuesday my doctor came into the room with a smile on her face. I could then exhale, at least for the time being. The spots, according to the scan, showed a slight amount of shrinking or no change. Things continue to go in the right direction. I am very grateful.

I also just completed my fourth cycle of the maximum allowed dose of oral chemotherapy. My doctor reminded me that not everyone is able to tolerate the medicine at full dose for as long as I have. Eventually, there will probably be too much toxicity in my body to continue at such a high dose. For now, however, I am doing it. 

Meanwhile, I continue to struggle with answering the questions, "How are you feeling? or How are you doing?" 

In relation to people without Metastatic Breast Cancer, I'm not feeling all that great. It's a struggle to move beyond the horizontal position each morning. I experience nausea at some point almost everyday. My feet and hands are suffering some consequences of such high doses of medicine. I still have the residual effects of whole brain radiation. I am often tired, sometimes angry and occasionally sad. 

However, when I think about how I'm doing as a Stage IV Cancer patient, I'm doing well, especially according to what my doctor has said. I do get up every morning, I move slow, but I eat breakfast, take a shower, walk when I can, do household duties, help the kids with homework, read stories at night, tuck them in, and spend time with my husband. Every now and then I'll even make dinner, (but really, I rarely ever cooked before all this). 

All that being said, it's not always easy to respond to the "How are you feeling?" question. My smart mama suggested I preface my answer with "Considering the circumstances..." That sounds good to me. Just saying "I'm good" didn't feel like I was telling the entire story. 

So, to all of you curious about how I am feeling, "Considering the circumstances, I'm doing ok and some days I'm even doing better than ok." It's really all a matter of perspective. Thank you for asking.   

"Sometimes a change in perspective is all it takes to see the light."

-Dan Brown

  

Thank you...

I feel that at some point in my life I was good at sending thank you notes. Recently, not so much. Does it still mean something if I have good intentions? I have handmade cards and my list of people to send them to, that's a start right? 

This new occupation of mine is time consuming and not to mention, EXHAUSTING! I have been so tired lately that it's been difficult to get anything done really. My kids were so excited to be couch potatoes for a day, and I earned some points for that one.

Anyway, in an attempt to make myself feel better, I decided to give you the opportunity to print out your own thank you's, from me to you. If you click on the following photos, you should be able to print at your leisure.

I like to use this one as a bookmark :) 

And click right on the image below to print as a 5x7 print. Consider these as gifts from me to you. I realize they are not as personal as an individual thank you, but truly from my heart and created with love.

"It's not happy people who are thankful, it's thankful people who are happy."

PS This is the first time I've attempted to have photos on my blog to print, so I'm not so sure I've even set it up correctly. I'd love some feedback to let me know and that way I can correct what I have to. Thanks again! 

Focusing on the light...

Here it is Tuesday evening. The meds finally arrived via FedEx today. I will hopefully be starting tomorrow after I have a "deep"(yes that's what they call it) conversation with someone at Dana Farber about the procedure for taking the chemotherapy pills.  I'm not looking forward to this "deep" talk, as I'm not one to enjoy listening to the side effects and such, thus one of the many  reasons I have a crew that comes with me to every appointment. They listen, and I generally remove myself from the situation. It's just all too much for me sometimes. But, I'll be putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it tomorrow (and hopefully stopping them from saying too much so they don't scare the poop out of me).

Meanwhile, we continue on with each day trying to make it as "normal" as possible, even if in between those moments, we are making phone calls, getting multiple blood tests, mailing urine samples for testing, or filling out paperwork. Sorry, probably too much information there, just keeping it real. 

The good news...most of the big, initial tests are complete at this point. And really, the good moments far outweigh the not so good moments on a daily basis, so for that I am grateful. I continue to do my best to literally take one day at a time and move forward. It's hard to see the light sometimes and I have some short moments when I get stuck. Sometimes I need a tap and sometimes I may even need a shove, but I am doing it, with the help of the village supporting me.

As I go to sleep tonight, it is my hope that I take the medicine with little side effects, that it begins its work immediately to tame the beast and and that every day gets a little easier.

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.

Aristotle Onassis

Therapeutic distractions...

Although it's pretty much impossible for me to mentally "escape" from the current mountain that is before me, there are some things I do to keep myself busy. Besides puttering around my house, doing the usual stuff, I also like to
 make things... 

...and take pictures.

I wouldn't say I'm actually distracting myself, but I am occupying some of the space in my head where I could potentially make myself bonkers. It's also therapeutic for me to be creative. It helps me actually feel that things really are ok, at least in that moment.

And, although I went off my routine for a few posts, Inspiration #8 is here, along with Ron's Joke of the day.  Enjoy! 

Inspiration #8: The story of a friend who found she had the big C while she was pregnant with her second child. She had a brain tumor and started treatment after her child was born. That was 13 years ago. She is one of the most "glass half full" people I know. I truly feel her positive outlook on life ( Which sometimes made me feel guilty for my own negative thinking ) is the reason for her beating this horrible illness. 

Ron's Joke of the Day
What do you call a pig that excels at karate??

A porkCHOP

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul."