Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Faith over Worry

It's been just about two weeks since my 5 day visit to the hospital.  The thing about this Big C yuck is that things are constantly changing, and ridiculous and unpleasant side effects are a daily nuisance. 

Due to lower white blood cell counts, I'm more susceptible to illnesses, viruses, infections and all sorts of other stuff. This month has been very unpleasant with rashes, exhaustion and infection. I ended up with an extremely painful bacterial infection in my mouth and throat, causing sores. I tried to take care of it at home with medications, but it became evident when I couldn't eat or drink without extreme pain that I needed to visit the hospital. Once there, IVs and strong meds helped and 5 days later I left pretty much pain free.  Although I still have some side effects lingering, things are much better. I'm very grateful to have resources to go to when things at home are not working. I'm also grateful once again to have the support of so many. My soul sister and I had sleepovers and hubby came to visit multiple times, while my parents took care of my two loves, E and Little Miss, at home. 

Staying in the hospital for any length of time is not exactly pleasant.  In fact, it sounds grim, but leaving to go there, I wondered if I would be able to return home. The fact that I have a terminal illness never leaves my thoughts. The constant worry when you have Metastatic Cancer is difficult to overcome and being in a hospital 24/7 feeling terrible made it even harder. It's a constant challenge to remain positive and keep the faith. 

This is when it's so important to take each moment one at a time while doing your best to keep the Faith. The Team I have cheering me on definitely helps to keep me grounded and for that, I thank all of you for your consistent love and support.  I feel loved and blessed on a daily basis.

My main reason for writing this post is to explain once again that I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and if what I'm doing is actually helping me to feel well. This Big C thing is so exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Although I'm trying my best to keep the faith, I do not have it perfected. I worry... a lot. I'm generally happy and you may see me smiling in most pictures, but remember, that's the highlight reel. Behind the scenes, there is often exhaustion, anger, frustration and weepiness. But somehow, my highlight reel continues to outweigh the yuck the Big C brings into my life even though some days are a struggle. 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Fighting Hard...

On January 25, 2017,  I posted this on Facebook "today I'm thankful for chemo. And I'm grateful for all of you. My CT scans showed shrinkage...whoop, whoop!" Sorry to those of you who follow this blog and not Facebook. I didn't mean to leave you hanging. 

It's been a while since I've had a good report from scans. So long, that when the oncologist told us, I think we all stared blankly at her and almost didn't know how to react. Shrinkage...the little f----ers shrunk? Whoop whoop!

 For now we will continue using the same tool from the toolbox and keep hope that it continues to be effective. During my visit I got my infusion of chemo and here we are about two weeks later dealing with the side effects most people don't see or hear about.  Truthfully, I've been struggling with feeling good and dealing with yuck. I shed tears almost everyday because I'm so exhausted and tired of the Big C.  Mentally and physically it can be a struggle.  Don't feel bad for me, just know that this is often the reality of those of us with MBC. Maybe it's not visible from the outside, but the nausea, exhaustion, anxiety, seizures and so many other things are behind that seemingly average looking person who has a body full of cancer cells.  We have various side effects that often seem to take over, but most of us are willing to play on and take the good with the bad. Thanks to our support systems we are also able to continue fighting hard. 

 I'm hoping that tomorrow is the day things will turn the corner. It's a struggle, but one I'm determined to fight and conquer. 

In the meantime, my E is now a teenager. 

It's so hard to believe that it's been so long since I answered that phone call saying he had entered the world. We celebrated his birthday with family and he enjoyed some of his favorite people. Although his spirit often challenges us as parents, he is truly a sensitive and kind little boy and works hard helping his Momma these days. I love him more than I can possibly express.

Little Miss had her Red and White School Dance. This was her last dance at the elementary school. 

Today and tomorrow we are enjoying our first official snow days of the season. I'm hoping the kiddos will enjoy sledding. They need some fresh air and time away from SCREENS.