Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Living with challenges...

I sit here in front of my computer screen and STARE, not really sure what to say. Tomorrow, I go for the results of the rest of my scans. The different scenarios of what could be the outcome of Monday's scans and tomorrow's blood tests occupy my mind. I try to remain positive and hopeful, but also know that things don't always work out that way. What I am hoping for is a continuation of last week's brain scan where things appeared to be stable. 

The most recent way I try to handle things is to take what I'm given, ask the questions I need to, fight for what I think will be the best treatment and carry on as best I can. This is typically how I have tried to handle things from the beginning. Now I think I'm just becoming confident enough to challenge the thoughts of the doctor while trying to incorporate all those working with me to give me my best life. 

This job is a daily challenge, from waking up in the morning to going to bed in the evening, and everything in between. I'm exhausted most of the time and feel like I could sleep 24/7. I'm not driving, but I have to coordinate the daily rides my children need to get to their activities. I'm blessed to have so many willing to help us out. For those Metastatic Fighters who are still working in paid positions, you are amazing. I can only imagine how difficult it is most days and I think it should be a requirement for you to have a comfortable resting place when you need it.  Keep up the fight,  fellow warriors! We're all in this together, in one way or another.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Embracing Uncertainty...

I think I'll start this post off like I've started some others...CANCER SUCKS, and the uncertainty of Metastatic Breast Cancer is even worse!  I had an appointment yesterday with my Naturopathic Doctor.  He recently had me take a test to see what chemotherapy treatments would still be effective and also reviewed recent blood tests to see how the cells to fight the little F'ers are doing.
Well, the results were not all that great and ultimately I ended up crying the entire ride home and then some. He basically said that the medicine I have been taking for months is not effective and at my next appointment I need to push for a specific chemotherapy. After the one he suggested, I have two others it listed...two!  At the beginning of this MBC yuck my oncologist said there was an entire toolbox of treatments for me.  What she did not clearly state was that I would be a guinea pig for each medicine and some would not be effective at all. Now here I am feeling like I have a toolbox that seems to be quickly running out of useful tools. So after months of chemotherapy and huge amounts of supplements, it's a bit frustrating and a downer to know it's most likely not doing what it's set out to do. It would be great if he was wrong! At the end of the month when I go for my scans I will know for sure.

In the meantime, I'm feeling pretty good, possibly due to some of the meds I'm taking on a daily basis, but regardless, most days I have an appetite, good energy and a positive outlook. And I think as a result of not having control over this nonsense, I've been purging like a madwoman. I also decided the Christmas season wasn't long enough and am keeping up my tree for at least another week.

Five years ago this past New Year's Eve, I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. By 2012 I thought I was finished fighting the beast. But, in June 2015, I discovered it was back and I was now a stage IV cancer patient. That day was so hard and I barely remember it. What I do remember is that in the past year and a half I have never felt more support and love in my life. I'd prefer my old life back, but in the midst of all this yuck, I feel blessed and so very grateful to see each new day with all this love surrounding me. Thank you! In 2017, I hope to find the perfect match to conquering these little f'ers, and living each moment how it was meant to be lived, with gratitude, hope and most of all love. I'm also going to continue to do my best to embrace this uncertainty of life.

I wish those struggling with their lives and current situations enough love and courage to know they will conquer and something good will eventually come out of the yuck they are experiencing.
Happy and blessed new year to all. Xo