Restoration...

My bathing suits have been put away deep in my drawer for a long time.  Since my mastectomy in January, 2012, I certainly wasn't a fan of swimsuits, and most I couldn't wear.  Although I was grateful to have a prothesis and I could blend in fairly well in street clothes, that was not the case with a bathing suit.  I was always always self conscious...it was hard to look symmetrical and the prothesis shifted and moved to places it shouldn't.  I had to safety pin the one bathing suit I could wear and try to rig it so I felt better.  I think it was last summer when I finally decided that I was going to go for the reconstructive surgery. The glaring reminder of the effects of the Big C was not something I was willing to deal with every summer.

The surgery road was scary, long, and not always fun, but most of it is behind me now, and I'm very grateful.  
In anticipation of our upcoming vacation, I tried on bathing suits last night.  I'm happy to report that there were no tears shed.  Although not all my bathing suits were a good fit for the "new" me, some were.  For the first time in two years, I am able to wear a bathing suit comfortably. 

Although the scars from the Big C will never go away and I will always be forever changed from its intrusion, I'm grateful to be able have some restored confidence, especially during this beautiful summer season.  

Happy Friday Everyone!

Staying Afloat...

We arrived at the hospital yesterday morning at 6:40am and we were on our way home five hours later.  It was pretty much a drive-thru surgery.  It actually was a little crazy how fast they scooted me out of there. And so now I recover.  I've learned some things about myself after having these recent surgeries.  One is that I'm not so good at the recovery part.  It puts me in a funk, I get the blahs, I'm reminded of how I got here in the first place and then I'm just plain ole bitter and grumpy!  And really, being physically uncomfortable is not all that great for my mental and emotional state either.  Honestly, it's sometimes hard for me to stay afloat.  But, I also know that this is temporary and it will pass...it always does.  It's just part of the cycle I seem to go through...every time.  

 I look on social media and see things like this...   

and this...

 These are signs that I can do it and so I do, I just keep trying to stay afloat even when the seas are rough. 

Thankfully, I'm surrounded by patient and caring loved ones who put up with me and throw me a life raft when I do feel like I'm sinking.

And now I'm going to end with five things I'm grateful for because it's a good way to change my mental state and who wants to end a blog post with whining?!

-I'm grateful that tonight I feel better than I did yesterday.
-I'm grateful for pink tulips starting to bloom in my yard, even though some were eaten by rabbits. 
-I'm grateful for my loved ones who stick by me and love me through all this "nonsense". 
-I'm grateful for surgeons who can restore a person's sense of self.
 -I'm grateful to have this blog, an outlet for me to share a piece of myself and my family with all of you...thank you for reading!

Ready...

Tonight I have to set my alarm for 5:00 am because tomorrow morning I am having yet another surgery.   Let's call this part 2 of my reconstruction surgery.  All together there will be four parts.  Part one was the toughest and that is already behind me.  Amen to that! 

Today when I told my kids I was having surgery tomorrow, they barely reacted.  In some ways I was relieved; I don't want them to worry.  But, the fact that this has become routine stinks.  Yes, this surgery is part of something I elected to do, but I think the surprise hysterectomy I had last month pushed me to my limit.  So tonight I have the Let's Just Do It attitude.

I am ready...

Ready for this to be behind me.

Ready to move on without counting the days until the next surgery.

Ready to be completely healed physically and mentally.

Ready to move past the Big C.

Ready to just be a wife and mother, not a patient.

My life hasn't been at a standstill while in the midst of all these surgeries.  In fact for a few days before surgery I seem to get manic and accomplish a lot and try to ignore the upcoming "event". However, I do still seem to feel the anticipation of the next thing lurking.  I'm looking forward to just moving on without counting down the days until the next visit to the O.R.

“We are always getting ready to live, but never living” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Passing the time...

So, it's Sunday, five days after surgery.  It's behind me.  I walked through it, sometimes with my knees shaking and tears flowing, but I did it.  

The hardest thing for me to do at this point is to sit still; I'll take that as a good sign.  

I'm not one to enjoy sitting still; it's not good for my mind or body, but in this case, it's necessary.  To pass the time I watch a lot of TV, read magazines and blogs online, stare at my Christmas tree and sleep.  It's exhausting just sitting around you know!

Thursday I have a follow up with my genius of a plastic surgeon...she's the best, really!  Maybe I'll even get one of my three drains taken out (probably too much information, but just keeping it real people).  

Thank you all for your unwavering support and love; it helps pull me through with a smile on my face. 

Time is a very healing place, one in which you can grow.  ~Denise Tanner

Walking through it...

It's 11:00pm on Thanksgiving night and as I reflect on the day filled with my family and all the things I love the most, I can't help but be grateful for all my many blessings. It's been almost 2 years since the Big C rudely invited itself into my life and honestly, at that time, I wasn't sure what the future held.    Today, and everyday, I am so grateful for my health and the everyday moments that make life so very sweet. 

With November coming to an end, and December literally days away, my nerves are starting...this Tuesday I'm scheduled for surgery, surgery to help reconstruct what the Big C demolished.  It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I haven't talked about this upcoming event too much; I think that has been my coping mechanism.  When I talk about it, I tend to get worked up and even more nervous and then the nerves turn into tears; it's not pleasant, for anyone. I've decided to just carry on with life and when Tuesday comes, I'll be where I have to be and just do it.  I will walk through it, just like I have before.  I think I also avoid talking about it because I'm not sure how others will react and perhaps I'm avoiding any unwelcome comments that may surface... 

Yes, I've elected to have this surgery, it's my choice and my choice alone...I guess that's the tough part.  Who wants to be the sole decision maker in anything?  It's stressful!  

It's now fall, the cold weather is here and it's a lot easier to feel confident and comfortable with layers of clothes to cover up what the Big C stole from me. I question, do I really want to do this?  And then I think back to the summertime and the warmer weather, and I am reminded of the days when it was hard and annoying.   The everyday routine was often frustrating and  sometimes even brought me to tears. I plan on living a long life and it just seems to make so much sense to just do it. 

The physical rebuilding from the surgery will help to rebuild some of the emotional garbage that comes along with being a breast cancer survivor. For me, this is what I need to do.  I realize some may question my decision and for others faced with the same choice, perhaps you may not choose to take the same road.  I get it. 

I do know, however, that most people are and will be completely supportive and love me through this, just as they have before.  That is why I can do this; I have a support system and a team the size of an army cheering for me.  

The best way out is always through. - Robert Frost

Shopping...

...for a surgeon.  I was going to title the post with "Shopping for a Surgeon", but I figured I'd lure you in first.  

It's no secret that I have been looking into reconstructive surgery to help regain some symmetry and give me less aggravation with wearing clothes.  Although I found a plastic surgeon that I really liked,  my caring, compassionate, competent, intelligent, adorable former :( surgeon suggested I go with someone more local.  So, because I respect him so much and he has always steered me in the right direction, I decided to make an appointment based on his referral.  

Well, I'm sad to say that this time,  he sent me the wrong way. Basically this surgeon lost me at "hello".  We spoke for a total of about 3 minutes before she left the room to retrieve her camera and I already had three strikes against her.  

They are as follows:

1. Please talk to me like I am your patient and not a fellow plastic surgeon who understands and comprehends your jargon at record speeds.

2. Please do not remind me that my breast cancer was at an advanced stage.

AND

3. I also don't need reminding that the Tamoxifen I am taking can cause blood clots that "could be fatal and" I "could die".  I'm thinking there may be a more tactful way for you to back up your reasoning for stopping the medicine two weeks prior to surgery.

Keep in mind that these were the initial 3 strikes.  There were several more beyond these after she came back into the room.  

Basically, this particular surgeon was not a good match for me.  Honestly, I'm not sure she is a good match for many.  I was mostly disappointed with her lack of compassion.  She spoke to me as though I was part of a science project, one that she was hurrying to put together hastily the night before it was due.

I'm not really sure what my point in writing this post is...probably mostly to vent.  But, also to remind us all that we are in charge, we make the calls, we need to advocate for ourselves.  If it doesn't feel right, question it, look deeper.  Go with your gut.

I scheduled my surgery today with my original choice.  It definitely felt right...

"You have to master not only the art of listening to your head, you must also master listening to your heart and listening to your gut."

Still Smiling...

This may be one of those posts where I disclose too much information, and for that, let me apologize ahead of time. I visited a plastic surgeon's office the other day to talk about reconstruction.  Unfortunately there is no pill I can swallow to grow a breast in the space where I am currently missing one, so surgery appears to be the only option.  I am not sure I am ready to take on another surgery at the moment, but I was ready to see what my options were and become more educated about each of them.  It would be nice to be able to snap my fingers and be on the other side of this process, but, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  I'm grateful that I do have options and choices I am able to make.   I will take some time to be sure I make the decision that is right for me. Some days I think it would just be okay to go through the rest of my life with a prosthetic, but then I have moments, like changing my shirt four times because I'm afraid my prosthetic is popping out, when I think otherwise.  

Along with my visit came a "complimentary photo session".  Thankfully my face did not appear in the photos and so, I didn't have to smile, but I think I may have anyway.  It was a good day.  I am well and continue to gain strength and heal with each passing day. 

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.

Thomas Paine