Tonight when I was tucking my Little Miss into bed, she asked, "Momma will you still take care of me when I'm 21?" To which I replied "I will Kaia." For a split second I was caught just being a Momma and forgetting the circumstances that we are faced with right now. Then I paused, swallowed away the tears and continued my response. "I will take care of you for as long as I can." For a moment I was a "normal" mom, answering a question my 8 year old asked and then the reality of the question hit me like a smack across the face.
F'n Cancer, you suck!
Although we really don't know what could happen from one day to the next, those of us with incurable, Stage IV cancer are faced with the thought more often than most. And, our kids also think about it. There is no way around it.
Most times we try to be a "normal" family. We go to the movies, for walks, roller skating and to school functions. But sometimes the Big C rears its ugly head and we are all forced to do hard things. Yes, we are all getting a crash course in resilience, but sometimes I would just like it to all go away, especially for my "babies".
However, although it sucks, we must deal, so that is what we do.
I get up everyday, grateful for what is there in that moment and try to resist looking beyond it. I'm having more minutes when I "forget" I have the Big C. I am teaching my children to take on more responsibilities, like zipping up my boots because my fingers are hurting too much.
We are not always angry, sad, or scared. But, sometimes those moments tend to sneak up on us. We do the best we can to address the emotions that go along with them and keep moving forward. So far it seems to be working.
And just to clarify,
"For as long as I can" for me means a very, very, very, very, very, very long time.
“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.”