Wednesday, February 17, 2016

For as long as I can...

Tonight when I was tucking my Little Miss into bed, she asked, "Momma will you still take care of me when I'm 21?" To which I replied "I will Kaia." For a split second I was caught just being a Momma and forgetting the circumstances that we are faced with right now. Then I paused, swallowed away the tears and continued my response. "I will take care of you for as long as I can."  For a moment I was a "normal" mom, answering a question my 8 year old asked and then the reality of the question hit me like a smack across the face.

F'n Cancer, you suck!

Although we really don't know what could happen from one day to the next, those of us with incurable, Stage IV cancer are faced with the thought more often than most. And, our kids also think about it. There is no way around it. 

Most times we try to be a "normal" family. We go to the movies, for walks, roller skating and to school functions. But sometimes the Big C rears its ugly head and we are all forced to do hard things. Yes, we are all getting a crash course in resilience, but sometimes I would just like it to all go away, especially for my "babies".    

However, although it sucks, we must deal, so that is what we do.

 I get up everyday, grateful for what is there in that moment and try to resist looking beyond it. I'm having more minutes when I "forget" I have the Big C. I am teaching my children to take on more responsibilities, like zipping up my boots because my fingers are hurting too much. 

We are not always angry, sad, or scared. But, sometimes those moments tend to sneak up on us. We do the best we can to address the emotions that go along with them and keep moving forward. So far it seems to be working.

And just to clarify, 
"For as long as I can" for me means a very, very, very, very, very, very long time.

“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.”

-John Wesley

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Borrowing Mom's Rose-Colored Glasses...

This morning I wrote a post on Facebook. 

"Although most " cancer" posts are meant to spread the word and encourage, some are tough to swallow and actually do not help. I know the intention is in the right place, but sometimes it may be best to block me and others who are experiencing it first hand. Those who are living with it don't really need to be reminded of some things. I'm not ungrateful, just keeping it real."

I kind of stirred things up with this post, received some apologies and decided to clarify a bit more.

"I certainly didn't mean to stir things up with this post. Let me clarify that encouraging posts are always a welcome sight and appreciated to keep me moving in the right direction."

Facebook is interesting. Like many other things in life, there are both positives and negatives. Messages can be interpreted in many ways, causing waves of emotions from all those involved. 

Yesterday was one of the not so good days for me. I was beyond exhausted, having stomach issues, and just all around feeling gross. I went to bed early last night and when I got up this morning, I saw a post. Determined not to have another bad day, I said what was on my mind. I'm not one to beat around the bush. If I believe in something, I will speak up. 

For quite some time I have seen a post circling on Facebook that has bothered me when I read it. It's sad, and heart-wrenching...a definite downer. Although people are encouraged to share the post to honor all those affected by the Big C, it would seem more honorable not to post it. I know I am not alone in my feelings, as there are others out there fighting fierce battles as well.

Obviously I'm not in charge of telling everyone what and what not to post on social media. We are individuals, with individual ideals, thoughts, motivations, and connections. I just felt the need to bring some attention to the situation just in case you never really thought about it before. If you want to keep posting those downers, then so be it, it's the real deal...I'll just keep growing the layers on my skin. 

Never is it my intent to make anyone ever feel bad. As I noted previously, I know the intent of the posts are only done with love. I just ask that you really reflect on what you're posting and how it may impact others.

Now, I'm going to abruptly change the subject. I am not a sports person. I did not watch the Superbowl, but I did change the channel and see the end of the halftime show. I enjoyed it, especially at the end when this was actually gave me chills.

I later found out that not everyone was a fan of the halftime event. Many were insulted and voiced their opinions. I was ignorant to the entire controversy, neglected to see how it could have been offensive, and enjoyed what I saw.

The Halftime Show was one event that stirred lots of feelings, probably all accurate regardless of where you stand.

Reviewing the entire show online, I don't love it as much as I did the first time, but there were glimmers of energy, talent, unity and love that I did like.

It just reminded me that we can always take away something positive from every situation, sometimes we just have to put on our rose colored glasses and search a bit harder.

"See everything through rose-colored glasses and be happy with the little things in your life." 

Dedicating this post to my Momma who excels at putting on her rose-colored glasses. 

I also need to wish my Memere a very Happy 94th Birthday today. You can read about my mem on last year's post


Tuesday, February 2, 2016

A decade plus 2...

I've told the story before, but every year I still like to relive it and tell it again. Twelve years ago tonight we got a phone call saying this little man was born. I knew instantly he was meant to be our son, as he was born on my late pepere's was meant to be. 

Although it seems like a short time ago, it is also hard to remember life without this guy. E is chuck full of spirit. He is also strong willed and kind-hearted, stubborn and sweet, smart, perceptive and funny. We can sometimes be like oil and water, but there is always love and it is always a privilege to be his Momma.

When I look at how fast it's gone by, it brings tears. We have a middle schooler, 4 years away from driving and halfway to age 24. It seems we have such a short time with these little beings. I'm going to cling to this time as long as I can.

As I looked through old pictures, I found these from 5 years ago that pretty much sum up our E.

Happy 12th birthday to the boy who made me a Momma. I love you bunches! xo

Previous birthday posts, (which are pretty much more of the same): 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010