100% Loved...

It's been a while since I have connected with my blog readers.  So today seems like a good day to do so. 

It's hard to believe our Little Miss just celebrated her tenth birthday. She's pretty fantastic, creative, sensitive, intuitive and overall beautiful. We feel blessed each and every day to have her  as part of our family. And then there's E who is now officially a teenager...UGH! He too, is full of great qualities and is growing more mature each day. 

Having two children with recent birthdays definitely makes me extra sensitive. Singing "Happy Birthday" just brings the reality of my illness to the core and I can't help but work extra hard to have faith that I'll have many more celebrations to be a part of.

It's not always easy to be Little Miss or E these days. The Momma they have currently has her own challenges and struggles in life and it is certainly not the same one they had in their younger years. She lacks energy and drive and relies on others to keep her and her family afloat. Just as it's hard for me to depend on others to help me; I know it's difficult for my children to do the same.  

I'm asked on a regular basis how I am doing.  I generally pause and say, I'm doing ok at the moment. Then there are times when I'm not feeling great at all and I say "I'm not doing so great." The not so great days may consist of small seizures which are body parts going numb for short periods of time or very blurry vision. This is not too alarming to the brain doctor, but for me it's disturbing. I become unsteady, somewhat panicked  and unsettled. For the past week I've also felt a bit nauseous and bloated. 

I share this with you because I want you to be comfortable checking in with how I'm doing. I also want you to be ok with the response I give.  I want you to have faith but not sympathy for me. My entire family is learning on a a daily basis, maybe not how we'd like to, but we are a stronger as individuals and as a family because of this miserable yuck.

I was finding myself answering with I'm doing fine or I'm doing ok....and after a while, it wasn't making sense because that wasn't entirely true.  Now you may even get some "I feel like shit" some days.  I'm not going to try present myself as something I'm not. I'm a human with Metastatic Cancer. Some days I have energy to go for walks and play games with my kids and some days I'm barely able to rise up from the couch. 

I do the best I can each day with the support of those WHO love me. 

I think checking in on people and seeing how they are doing is a loving and kind gesture. Although the responses are not always positive and they can be scary, it is the truth and it can show first hand how strong LOVE it.

The end of the month of pink....

When Metastatic Breast Cancer rudely entered my life in June 2015, I immediately went into panic mode and started predicting my morbid future, afraid that I wouldn’t even make it through the next year.

I’m blessed to have a huge support system and quickly I started to learn to take my life one moment at a time, hour-by-hour and minute-by-minute. Just as though life has no guarantees, neither does the diagnosis of MBC. It’s been over one year now. This diagnosis is a full-time job that has changed frequently and continues to have too many bumps to keep track of. Some days are steady where I feel some moments of normalcy; other days I have panic attacks that take over the calm I try so hard to maintain. Having this disease is mostly scary and part of the fear is never really knowing what is coming next, but, when you think about it, none of us are able to predict the future. We can simply live the best life we can in the present. So although my children are still only 9 and 12 years old and I fear how much time I have left with them, I do my best not to waste any time worrying about something that I have no control over.

I wish I had the magic potion for surviving MBC but that doesn’t exist (yet) so I will tell you a few things that have helped me move forward, even on the days that are the hardest.

As my Memere used to say, “there is nothing so bad that something good doesn’t come out of it.” This is especially evident when living with a disease such as MBC. You can find something positive; sometimes you may just have to look at it with extra strength binoculars.

Try not to let one set back determine the future, perhaps it’s a bump in the road and not a death sentence.

I’ve been open with sharing my emotions and although it’s not always pretty, it’s always real. Let yourself cry if you have to, share your emotions and don’t feel like you have to fight those tears that come naturally. I would urge you, however, to only wallow for a short time, vent, journal, meditate and then move on. I personally benefit greatly from going to therapy weekly. 

So many share this disease, but each person’s story is different. My story is unique and how I react to it is as well. Learning to have hope and faith in my own journey continues to be a challenge for me, but with the love and support I receive, there has been some progress. 

I started this blog entry at the start of the month to post as part of raising awareness through Metavivor.  Because I don't always have the energy or stamina to write, I didn't quite make it to the deadline and thus it has become my own post. Hopefully it will be a source of some awareness for those who can benefit.

This Monday we will be driving very early to Dana Farber. It's that time again for more scans, definitely not a time I look forward to, in fact, it scares the poop out of me. It's actually a challenge for me to hold it together this weekend knowing Wednesday my oncologist will share the findings of the latest tests with me. This is when I do my best to remain hopeful and positive because it is not helpful to do otherwise. 

It's my birthday!

Here we go again. It's been almost a month since my last post. I continue to heal from the brain radiation and it has become a bit more difficult for me to express myself. I'm a slower thinker, I have terrible word retrievel, my balance and strength are not what they used to be and I'm just plain tired most of the time. Using our brains is hard work, and for me that's even more evident and exhausting.  That being said, I'm doing ok and the doctor is confident that the procedure worked. We will know for sure in October when I have my brain scan.

But Friday is my birthday and we are going to celebrate...the everyday moments of life. And I will proudly announce that I turn 44, because folks, getting older is a privilege. 

 While thinking of my big 44 coming up tomorrow, I was also reminded of the gifts I have received from people on a daily basis. 

 I have been gifted by family, friends, and complete strangers since being diagnosed with MBC. Here is a short excerpt from the past 16 months. Maybe you're interested in continuing to spread the kindness? I didn't wanted to start with too extensive a list in one post, so for now, here are 10 ideas.  

 Gift Ideas 
(not in any particular order except for #1)
and maybe I should also admit that my favorite gifts are the ones that do not cost a cent, but maybe just a bit of time.

1. LOVE

2. Handwritten cards and notes

3. Handmade gifts (from kids and adults)

4. Messages through email, Facebook and texting (short, long, or in between).

5. Flowers and plants (anything to show life's beauty).

6. Jewelry. Lisa Leonard is my favorite site.

7. I'm a quote girl and when it's paired with artwork, it's even better. Valerie Wieners and Kelly Rae Roberts are two of my favorites.

8. Organic Tea and Tea Cups are good for tea drinkers.

9. Comfortable attire is always a good choice. Things like socks, slippers, and pajamas pants are some of my favorites. 

10. Kindness...which seems to be a consistent theme with all these ideas. I'm a recipient of this priceless gift daily.

Happy Birthday to me, now go out and do something kind for someone...create ripples that are infinite, and spread the love. 

And, I have one last birthday wish for me, perhaps it's a tad selfish, but before ending your day tomorrow, educate someone about Metastatic Breast Cancer.  I'm wishing for many more birthday posts in the years to come, all written by me.   

Here is a great link to share. 

Thank you all for being the best damn support system a girl could have, much love. 

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."

-Oprah Winfrey

PS Look for information, coming soon, about our fundraising opportunities for MBC.

Looking for hope and anchors

I've mentioned before that when you are faced with life's difficult challenges, it seems your senses are fine tuned and you seem to

 notice things that perhaps you had not seen in the past.  

When I was diagnosed back in June, the initial weeks were so very difficult. We searched for HOPE, and I clung to this verse.

"We have this thing called HOPE as an ANCHOR for the soul."

-Hebrews 6:19

Since then, I have this thing for anchors and what they represent. 

I found a lot of information about anchors from this website. I highlighted the primary symbolism in purple.

Early Origins of the Anchor Symbol

Originally, the anchor symbol was not used by those on the water, but actually people on land! During the early years of Christianity, Christians were under heavy persecution by the Romans. To show their religion to other practicing Christians under the watchful eye of the ruling people, they would wear anchor jewelry or even tattoo anchors on themselves. The anchor was seen as a symbol of strength as anchors hold down ships even in the stormiest of weather. It was also a popular symbol because of its close resemblance to the cross. Anchors were also used to mark safe houses for those seeking refuge from persecution.

Love for the Deep Blue Sea

Do you want to show your affinity with the sea? For many centuries, sea-faring mariners loved the anchor symbol. Everyone knows Popeye had an anchor tattoo on his arm! The anchor was a popular symbol because it was not only part of the ship, but because, just like Christians, sailors liked the connection this symbol had to stability and strength. Putting down an anchor also represented the safe end of a long journey. Today, many mariners, including the US Navy, coastguards, and even fishermen get anchor tattoos to show their fondness for the open water.

Anchor's Deeper Meaning

As repeatedly mentioned anchors are all about being strong and stable. No matter if you have sea legs or not, you can appreciate the deeper meaning of the anchor symbol - security, stability, and being grounded. It is a symbol demonstrating that a person is in tune with themselves and hold on to the values they believe in. The anchor can also represent a person who has been someone's rock through difficult times. For some people, the anchor represents always having a safe place to go home to. Especially for those who travel a lot, this symbol can have a very special meaning. Those who have had a tumultuous past, the anchor is a pledge to move on and have a better, brighter, grounded future. In this case, some people choose to wear a cracked or broken anchor, as a sign they are letting go of their inhibiting ways and moving forward.

These days I really tend to cling onto signs around me as they continue to fuel me and give me hope.

 I'm not sure if I'm just now noticing that there are so many anchors or have they become a recent fad? I feel like they are everywhere...I see them constantly.

My uncle posted this picture to my FaceBook wall yesterday, taken at the local park. We went for a look ourselves today. The men working there didn't even know where they came from and offered to let us take them.

We graciously declined. If I bought or collected everything with an anchor on it, well, I'd be on an episode of Hoarders.

But, I can take pictures and they don't take up that much room. So, I think it would be fun for you to join me and be on the lookout for anchors and when you find them, add the hashtag #lindasanchorsofhope on FaceBook On the Leap for Linda page and/or Instagram. It will be fun (for me anyway). Oh, and don't forget to share where you saw it.

Next up...an anchor scavenger hunt. 

"Life's roughest storms prove the strength of our anchors."