Thursday, March 21, 2013

Conquering the Demons...

I should probably warn you that I may be pushing the envelope with this post and the information I'm about to share...



So about a month ago, when I decided to "investigate" what was causing me discomfort under my bra strap, I discovered a bump.  Before I go any further, everything is FINE!  
Of course, my initial reaction was, oh great!  What the @#$% is that?  Then my rational brain said, "it's your new body, you just had an MRI, it's fine..."  So for about 2+ weeks I went between feeling fine about this bump and panicking about it.  I decided to call the doctor's office (a week ago yesterday); the nurse told me I could come in on the following Wednesday.  Oy, an entire week to create nonsense in my head and battle those demons. Honestly, since my surgery, I think I've avoided that area of my body, both consciously and unconsciously.  When I did venture to it, most times accidentally, it would put a lump in my throat, very similar to when you put your finger in your belly button (not that any of us do this on a regular basis...and not that there is anything wrong with it if you do).  The nerves in that area are just all out of whack and things are strange to me.

Moving on...

Because I wasn't all that familiar with my new normal, I really couldn't determine whether or not this bump was something new, and forget comparing it to the other side....it's like comparing apples to oranges.  After I looked up pictures of a woman's anatomy online, my rational brain concluded that it was indeed a bone and/or muscle.  However, my anxiety driven brain still felt it was necessary to take a trip to the office.  So yesterday morning, bright and early, I found myself sitting in the waiting room.  After a check by the nurse, an ultrasound and a check by my surgeon, it turns out that the bump is my "new normal" body anatomy.  THANK GOD!!!   Although I really thought this was the case, the small doubt that I had was starting to weigh on me.  Hearing it from the horse's mouth helped a great deal.  Going to the doctor's was what I needed to do to rid myself of the uncertainties.

Why, you ask, do I feel the need to share this information? Well, I actually think that this kind of reaction is somewhat typical for people who have experienced the Big C, at least that's what I have seen and been told.  Perhaps me sharing (sometimes too much) information will in turn help someone else to not feel so alone while they fight to conquer their demons as well, and that sometimes it is okay to seek the reassurance and help from others in order to do this. 


You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.