Have you ever worked your ass off at something and it just doesn't have the result that you want it to? That's how my appointment today can be summed up.
We left the house at 6:30am this morning, was having my brain scan by 8:30am and by 10:30am, I had to hold in the tears because the results were not what the doctor nor myself were hoping for. Honestly, there were glimmers of progress, such as some shrinking, but he certainly thought there would be more and seeing his disappointment left me wanting to run out of his office in tears. He also saw VERY small new things (grrrrr). I can't really explain what it's like to have yuck growing in my brain...it's unsettling to say the least. Overall he said he would currently call the activity in my brain stable, which in the world of metastatic cancer is a good thing, however, like I said, his reaction left me definitely feeling defeated.
And, so here are my raw and ugly emotions when I write a post on a day like today. Honestly, I was thinking it wasn't a good idea to share yesterday's post with everyone because now I must fill you all in with today's less than Excellent news. I'm not one who enjoys people feeling bad for me.
Now I will end by saying I will get over this just like I do every other time. I will pick my butt off the pavement, carry on and keep fighting. But, truthfully if I didn't wallow in my own self pity now and then, I don't think I'd be human. The "bruise" from today's appointment will fade quickly and life will continue one hour at a time.
Thanks everyone for your love, prayers and positive vibes. Feeling the love in my heart certainly makes for quicker healing.