3.2 miles and the insurance man...

So yesterday my BFF and I ran 3.2 miles.  For some this may not seem like any big deal.  For me, however, it's a milestone.  I have never been a runner and I have never run in my entire life.  Having cancer made me do strange things...one of which was to set a goal of running a 5K.  I've been walking consistently, and recently I started running on the treadmill, but the most I've ever run is for 22 minutes which ends up being about 1.6 miles.  This past Friday, we ran 1.6 miles outside.  We were psyched about that...

And then yesterday we decided to do it again, only this time we just kept running, like Forest Gump.  

Never in a million years would I have thought I could run, but I'm happy to report that I proved myself wrong once again.Today my body is not so happy I ran the 3.2 miles, but it will recover and then I can do it all over again.  

After I got home I took a quick shower and had an appointment with someone for disability insurance (a little strange after just running over 3 miles).  However, the claim is being put in for when I was sick (obviously).  I had to regurgitate all the events of the past year;  he was empathetic and seemed genuinely interested in my story.   It was cathartic.  I don't know that I've ever sat down and gone through the entire story from start to finish.  I kept leaving out details and forgetting things.  I had to refer to notes on my phone and appointments on my calendar.   As I was retelling, I thought.. Sh%&!  I went through hell!  But, I survived!  

Looking back there really was no choice but to walk through the muck one day at a time...and somehow, someway, I made it to the other side. 

Carry On...

I'm loving this song...

Favorite Line:

"May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground."

-Fun

Conquering the Demons...

I should probably warn you that I may be pushing the envelope with this post and the information I'm about to share...



So about a month ago, when I decided to "investigate" what was causing me discomfort under my bra strap, I discovered a bump.  Before I go any further, everything is FINE!  

Of course, my initial reaction was, oh great!  What the @#$% is that?  Then my rational brain said, "it's your new body, you just had an MRI, it's fine..."  So for about 2+ weeks I went between feeling fine about this bump and panicking about it.  I decided to call the doctor's office (a week ago yesterday); the nurse told me I could come in on the following Wednesday.  Oy, an entire week to create nonsense in my head and battle those demons. Honestly, since my surgery, I think I've avoided that area of my body, both consciously and unconsciously.  When I did venture to it, most times accidentally, it would put a lump in my throat, very similar to when you put your finger in your belly button (not that any of us do this on a regular basis...and not that there is anything wrong with it if you do).  The nerves in that area are just all out of whack and things are strange to me.

Moving on...

Because I wasn't all that familiar with my new normal, I really couldn't determine whether or not this bump was something new, and forget comparing it to the other side....it's like comparing apples to oranges.  After I looked up pictures of a woman's anatomy online, my rational brain concluded that it was indeed a bone and/or muscle.  However, my anxiety driven brain still felt it was necessary to take a trip to the office.  So yesterday morning, bright and early, I found myself sitting in the waiting room.  After a check by the nurse, an ultrasound and a check by my surgeon, it turns out that the bump is my "new normal" body anatomy.  THANK GOD!!!   Although I really thought this was the case, the small doubt that I had was starting to weigh on me.  Hearing it from the horse's mouth helped a great deal.  Going to the doctor's was what I needed to do to rid myself of the uncertainties.

Why, you ask, do I feel the need to share this information? Well, I actually think that this kind of reaction is somewhat typical for people who have experienced the Big C, at least that's what I have seen and been told.  Perhaps me sharing (sometimes too much) information will in turn help someone else to not feel so alone while they fight to conquer their demons as well, and that sometimes it is okay to seek the reassurance and help from others in order to do this. 

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

Kinky Friedman

Spring...

I'm so ready for it...the warmer weather, the new growth of the gardens in the yard, and more time spent outdoors.  The deer were on a spring stroll of their own the other day.  I was giving the kids breakfast and this is what i saw right outside my windows.  I went between admiring their beauty and being annoyed by the fact that they were eating my plants.

  Look at the grass; most of the snow had melted...

...and then that night, more snow.  This year's weather has certainly made up for the lack of snow we got last year.  

Although it's not feeling much like Spring yet, it is here, and I'm sure the beautiful weather that comes along with it is not far behind (one can hope).

Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love!

Sitting Bull

Battling the demons...

Some days it is easy for me to go on with life, be comfortable in my own skin and face my fears head on.  This week, however, it's been tough. I feel like I have really struggled to battle the demons that surface in my head, and I have fought continuously to keep them at bay.  The exact trigger of these feelings is not just one thing, but I think it's been a combination of things.  

Perhaps I will share some of them at a later date.  

Today, however, I'm working through them and know that, in the end, I will be stronger for them.  

"Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found"

-Phillip Phillips "HOME"

Fairies on the brain...

Someone is turning 6 at the end of the month, so we recently ventured outside to get some photos of the  fairy.  As you can see, she was quite excited about it.

 Ah, there we go, it's not all that bad.

 Spread your wings and let the fairy in you fly!  ~Author Unknown

Faith...

I've thought about Faith quite a bit over the past year and now it seems to be "sneaking" into my life at random times over the past couple of weeks....kind of like those signs I wrote about before.  I've thought about what faith means to me and how it impacts my life.  When I think of faith I don't necessary think of it only in a religious way, but in a belief that there is something much bigger than me taking care of things.  I wish I could say I whole heartedly believe that, but that's just it...I often have a hard time keeping the faith.  My anxiety creeps in and the doubt starts sprouting.   

I admire the assuredness that others may have in respect to not only having faith, but practicing it with confidence; it seems to give them peace.  I'm not completely secure in my beliefs and sometimes this feels somewhat unsettling to me.  I want to be faith-filled, but it's not always easy for me...I have doubts and questions...

...but, I'm working on it.