Some days are hard...

...today was one of them, and wait, so was yesterday.

Part of yesterday's difficulty was with the fact that I had an appointment with my caring, compassionate, competent, intelligent, adorable surgeon.  Have I mentioned that he is moving to Australia to be a part of a new Cancer Center that is opening in Sydney?  When I say he is the best doctor I have ever had, I really mean it.  He is not only completely competent, he actually genuinely cares about his patients, one of which happens to be me.  He remembers personal conversations we have had about my kids and takes the time to treat "all of me", not just my Cancer.  I am not just what is written in my chart, and he makes sure to make that a reality.  So anyway... I had heard he was leaving from my radiation oncologist (who, by the way, is also leaving).  But, at yesterday's appointment, he told me personally.  I'm glad I already knew because it was less of a shock.  However, he asked for a hug.  I was not expecting it at all, and I lost it.  I couldn't hold it together and started crying.  Until that moment, I don't think I realized how much he had actually impacted  my treatment and how I have managed throughout the process.  

He was the first doctor at the center that we met with.  He was kind and honest, but also reassuring.  He told me that I would be okay.  One month later, he cut the alien blob out of me and has followed my treatment since then.  I am grateful that he was my surgeon and that he was there when I needed him.  I'd like to think that I won't be needing him to do any further surgeries, but it was kind of comforting to know he was there. He absolutely has been a safety net for me and at that moment yesterday, I felt like someone yanked it away and I was falling.

I'm glad I had an appointment with him before he moves onto his next journey.  I could thank him again one last time.  Then me and my hive covered self (my nerves sometimes show up as hives on my chest and neck) left the room to schedule an appointment with another surgeon for my next follow-up.

So, that's one of my stories from yesterday.  There are more, but honestly, they probably will not be shared here.  We all have hard days.  Aren't they supposed to be what helps us grow as individuals?  I suppose this may be true, but perhaps the growth process could be spread out a little because for the past couple of days I seem to be experiencing a "growth spurt" in the area of character development.  I could use a break.

The good thing about hard days is...

We can try again tomorrow.

"It is a new day and a new chance to try again."

I've been pinned...

Every now and then I check the stats on my blog and I'm curious to see where the referrals come from.  Many times people are linked through Pinterest.  If you're not familiar with Pinterest, it's basically an online bulletin board where you can "pin" things from the web and categorize them onto boards that you create.   Most times people are linked to my blog because of my birthday themes such as my Lego and Minecraft Party Posts.  Last week when I was checking, I saw that an image of me with my buzz cut was pinned.  I followed it (of course) and found myself on someone's short hair board.

There I was sharing the page with Natalie Portman and Alyssa Milano...so flattering, to say the least.  Maybe I did rock that buzz cut!  After seeing my picture, I even considered cutting my new curly locks to go for a shorter, bolder look again, but for now I'm going to try to rock the curls for a while.

By the way, if you'd like to follow me on Pinterest, click the "Follow Me on Pinterest" button on the right sidebar.  

You never get to pick how you get pinned and how people perceive you.

Taylor Hanson

Summertime...

It's officially here, and with it, is the 90 degree weather. 

 It's never too hot for tea parties,

 or watching the sunset.  Although I think the rest of my family is tired of the sunset thing, it never gets old for me.  I'm pretty sure I could watch it every night, but I'll settle for a couple times each summer.

“Summer afternoon—summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language.” 

― Henry James

Let's talk about Tamoxifen...

Since last September, I have been prescribed Tamoxifen.  It's an estrogen blocker and because my breast cancer was fed by estrogen, this is a good thing.  The not so good thing:  I'm not a fan of some of the side effects, especially the "may cause depression, nervousness, and anxiety"...and how about being impatient with everyone I come into contact with?  I could easily cry right now thinking about how irritable I am sometimes.  I have not always been great with my monthly hormones, and now with this lovely hormonal therapy, it's a continuous cycle.  

This past week, I nearly had a meltdown because of a bump on my leg.  I immediately thought of the possibility of a blood clot (another side effect).  I went to the doctor's and after she couldn't definitively say it wasn't one, I thought I was going to lose it.  Thankfully I held it together, went for a test and all is fine.  

Wah, wah...that's it....I needed to whine about it, but now I'm moving on, and because I've publicly announced my irritability, I'm hoping I become more accountable and really try to knock it off.  I don't want to use the medicine as an excuse for my feelings and behavior, but it is probably a reason behind it.  I'm trying to change it though, I really am.

By the way, I never actually checked the list of side effects because knowing me I will probably get them all if I read through them.  I ask others to check the list for me and see if certain things are on there.  So please, stay away from the list, and whatever you do, don't share it with me.

Family and "friends can put up with your worst behavior and be exceptionally affectionate even when you are extremely irritable. They believe in you even when you stop believing in yourself. They accept you with all your flaws and love you just the way you are.. "

Gosh, I hope this to be true...otherwise I'll be all by myself by the time I finish taking this medicine in five years.

DIY: Large "Bottle cap" magnets

I can't walk into Target without stopping at the dollar bins.  I found these bottle cap coasters a few weeks ago and grabbed several packages (I think there were 6 in a package for $3.00)  I wasn't sure what I was going to do with them, but I bought them anyway.  

I decided to turn them into magnets.  A little paint, a piece of scrapbook paper, a photo, some washi tape and magnets and I had myself an adorable new magnet.  The last photo shows the comparison with a typical sized bottle cap...these things are big!

I decided to have the kids each decorate one for their daddy for Father's Day.  It's a handmade gift and it was quick, even better!   (sorry for the terrible photos)

The possibilities for these lovely "coasters" are endless.  I suppose you could actually use them as a tacky place to rest your beer, but why would you want to do that? I think I'm going to try making a wind chime with them next.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.

Ray Bradbury

Finding rainbows...

A couple days after I wrote the post about my memere, there was a beautiful double rainbow outside.  Do you think that is coincidence?  I'm sure some would say "yes", but I can't help but think and hope that my mem had something to do with it. 

  I had trouble getting the double with my lens (the first picture was taken with my phone) and the pictures don't do it justice, but it was an incredible sight to see. 

And then yesterday when I went for a walk, there was another beautiful rainbow, made even more vivid when I looked through my sunglasses.

"Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray."

Lord Byron

My Mem...

Two and half weeks ago I went to visit my Memere.  I thought it would be the last time.  She really wasn't doing well and many thought she wouldn't be with us too much longer.  It turns out that by the time I got there, she was her spunky self, even cracking jokes about how she had "almost died" that afternoon.  When we blew each other kisses at the end of the visit, I thought that would be my last memory of her.  

In some ways it was the last time I saw her, because when I saw her this past Monday, she was different than the Memere I have known for the past 40+ years of my life; she was thin, weak, and tired.  She still showed some signs of her spunky 92 year old self, but she was fading.  When my dad and I walked into the room, her face lit up and she grinned a big smile from ear to ear, making the emotionally painful visit so worth every second.  Throughout our stay she asked us to keep talking because she couldn't, and even though she would fall asleep, we did try to keep talking.  At the end of our visit, I kissed my memere, and told her "I love you".  I didn't really expect her to say too much back.  Not only did she respond verbally, she proceeded to wrap her 92 year old arms around me and hugged me.  

That is now my last memory of her and I am so grateful that I have it to tuck away in my heart along with the countless others.   Early this evening, she earned her wings.  I'm certain my grandfather, her Wally, was there to greet her at the gates of heaven so that they could dance; it's been about 30 years since they have been able to do that together.

Some may think that because Memere was 92, it makes it easier to say goodbye.  "She lived a long life".  Yes, she did and that's just it.    My memere has always been there for every birthday, graduation, wedding, christening, and every other celebration.  She loved a good party and loved it even more when the party was for her.  She was proud that she was 92 years old and still lived in the house where she raised her five children, made meals for her brothers and sisters, sewed clothing for her grandchildren and served cookies to her great grandchildren.   

Mem, I will miss your "subtle" hints and your distinct "well!" when something ruffled your feathers.  I will miss bringing my kids to your house on Halloween and they will miss going for a walk to get a treat from their gran-memere with cookies.  I will miss your smile and your laugh.  I will miss our visits together, our conversation and your advice.  I will miss your always kind, affectionate words to me.  I will miss your love.  I will miss you.  

Mem frequently said, "There ain't nothing so bad, that something good doesn't come out of it."  Although this may be true, it is sometimes hard to find the rainbow.  But, my memere would assure us that it's there.  

May the angels lead you to paradise Mem,  I love you!  

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."  ~Kahlil Gibran