Monday, June 3, 2013

Things are not always what they appear....

I have to admit that when people refer to me as strong or as an inspiration, I feel like I need to deny the title and correct them.  This morning when I woke up, I was filled with anxiety; perhaps it has something to do with my 10:30 mammogram appointment, my lack of sleep because I pulled an all-nighter at the relay, my very ill grandmother, or my child that is having some trouble behaving these days.  Maybe it is all of the above.  The thing is most days I have fleeting thoughts in my head but I am able to squash them pretty quickly.  Today, however, they are a little harder to squash.   For a short period of time this morning I even managed to convince myself that my body was filled with the Big C.  Irrational and scary thoughts sometimes manage to creep in and take over.  I do my best to rid my mind of them, but often I have to seek help from others in order to do so.  

Sometimes I feel like I may give the impression that I have it all figured out, but I don't.  Does anyone really have it all figured out?  Today I barely feel like a functioning human, never mind an inspiring one.  When I was sitting with my other grandmother the other day, I came across an article about Robin Robert's.  She too was commenting on the uncomfortable feeling she got when people say she is strong.  She said, "What was I supposed to do?  I want to live."  Yup!  That's pretty much the situation.   Choosing to put one foot in front of the other really seems to be the only option.  And so that is what I will do, today and every day.  I will get up and face the day with whatever courage I have; today it's just a little bit harder than usual.  Perhaps I'm having another momentary Fall from Grace.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

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