Thursday, June 23, 2016

Finding small victories in the year of yuck...

This past Wednesday marked one entire year since I received the dreaded phone call that changed things...forever.

This year has been filled with enough yuck to fill an entire book, with some chapters titled Whole Brain Radiation, Nausea, Xeloda, Blood Tests, Supplements, Side Effects, Pain, Exhaustion, More Radiation and Scans. I've also realized it is filled with more than yuck as well, and that part may have even more substance. Those chapters could be titled Hope, Faith, Loved Beyond Measure, Strength, Family, Vitamin C, Better Veins, One Day at a Time, Small Steps, Support, Still Here, Blessed and Growth.

Looking back on the year, I have experienced so many emotions, and to say it's been hard is an understatement. Some days I struggled to know how to get through. 

But, hard things can teach us so much if we're willing to learn. I have become better at accepting help and even asking for it when I can't do it all myself.  I don't have to do this alone and why do I even need to when I am surrounded by such a support system? I learned that I have been blessed by so many people who are  willing to step in, encourage and truly love me. I'm am loved and supported and treated with immense kindness from people in my life. I have learned the true meaning of strength and know that sometimes it means breaking down and relying on others to hold me up. 

I've also learned that the more layers that are peeled off, the more I realize the blessings in the everyday, ordinary and mundane. I'm more in tune to the small daily victories I experience, like being able to go for a walk, watch my children play soccer, make a meal for my family, weed my garden, paint my front door and mop the kitchen floor.

"Nothing will ever go away, until it teaches us what we need to know."
-Pema Chodron

I continue to do my best to be patient with myself. If I wake up in the morning with nausea and exhaustion it doesn't equal a bad day, it merely indicates a rough morning that could likely get better. My new life consists of moments, some big, but most small victories I have learned to recognize in the everyday. 

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

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