Checking in...

It's been almost two weeks since my last post, so I guess that means it's time to check in. Things are pretty much the same here, which is fine with me. We like routine, especially when it's uneventful. I just finished a two week cycle of my chemo pills and for the first time since starting, I did not have to take any anti-nausea medicine...whoop whoop.

I also visited my Natural Path Doctor last week and he is very pleased with my progress and response to both the chemotherapy and the supplements he has prescribed. And, in case you missed this on Instagram or Facebook, this would be a 2 month's supply of my supplements. I'm currently taking about 55 supplement pills per/day along with some liquids. Sounds like a ridiculous amount right? I agree, but this is part of why I'm going in the right direction. This doctor is helping my body to work better and respond to the chemotherapy in the best way possible. I'm so thankful to have him as part of my Team.

I've also recently started Vitamin C infusions and I should be at the therapeutic level by this week. We are hoping the Vitamin C will help to shrink the beast even more. 

My treatment is currently working. I am so very grateful.

Thank you for the continued blessings I receive on a daily basis. I couldn't do it without the loving encouragement I receive from all those supporting me.

Between all my appointments and my full-time job of kicking the Big C's butt, we are living life and enjoying the first snowfalls of the winter.

"The life you have left is a gift. Cherish it. Enjoy it now, to the fullest. Do what matters, now. 

Kushandwizdom

I can do hard things...

It's been a tough week to stay grounded around here. First there was the surprise loss of David Bowie and then yesterday on the way home from my Vitamin C infusion, 

 I felt like someone punched me in the gut after reading that another MBC fighter passed away. Stupid F$%&ing Cancer!

I became familiar with Holley Kitchen after my diagnosis in June. She was a fighter and a voice for all of us with this disease. She had a husband and two young sons. Her most recent goal was to make it to her son's 5th birthday in several weeks; sadly she did not. This seemed to happen so fast, and is really unfair and devastating. Not only am I completely heartbroken for her family, selfishly, it scares me so much. No two situations are the same, even when the diagnosis is, however, my story has some similarities, hits VERY close to home and crushes my heart. 

Saying this is hard stuff is a gross understatement. It's harder than hard!
So, although it's difficult to imagine I can, I'll hold on even tighter these days and enjoy each and every daily gift I get with all those I love. There is no better way to stick it to the Big C.

Holley became well known in the MBC community for this powerful video that she shared on Youtube.

RIP Holley, and in honor of you, I will keep fighting, kicking ass and LIVING with gratitude and joy.

Stage 4 Needs More.

When the breast cancer charities call you, I challenge you to ask them how much of their raised money goes to metastatic disease. I haven't found one yet that can answer this question. Maybe it's our job to educate them. Meanwhile if you'd like to donate to breast cancer research, thank you and the charity called Metavivor is a good one.

www.metavivor.org

Finding peace...

When the doctor enters the room with a smile on her face, I know I can exhale a big sigh of relief.  Yesterday, that is just what happened. She knows to immediately give me the news as she walks in, as I sit there basically holding my breath. Her words yesterday were, "You have some great looking scans."

The spots are stable and I have some slight shrinking of a spot on my lung. There is also evidence of healing going on in my bones. Stable, if you didn't know, is the new black. I'm so grateful for yet another step in the right direction. 

So you'd think that I'd be doing cartwheels and jumping up and down with pure bliss today...I am not. I could not be more thankful for the news I received yesterday; it absolutely lifted some of the weight off my shoulders and reassured me that I continue to move forward and am meant to have more time in this world. But still, it's hard for me to find the peace. Some may hear this and think I "need to stop and enjoy the good news". To that I say, I'm slowly learning how to do just that. But often I find myself  in a constant state of protecting myself against these monsters. It's hard for me to rest and take off my suit of armor for a little bit. 

This doesn't mean I am not happy and excited about my news. It means I'm just not quite ready to ever put my sword down. I'm still trying to find the balance between being a fighter and just regular ole me. It's not easy.

I share merely to express my truth. Please don't feel bad or empathetic. So many of you are right in this yuck with me, cheering me on, sharing positivity, loving me and even offering to hold my shield while I put it down for a short time.xo

Thank you for helping me to find the peace. I will get there; I'm sure of it. 

Beating Cancer...

To abruptly bring me back to reality, I had scans today. It's really not the scans that stress me out too much, but rather what the results of the scans will tell me about the monsters in my body. I will know on Thursday. I'm hoping for it to follow the same trend as it did twelve weeks ago. I did have a preview because I had my brain MRI a bit early due to my eyes doing some funky things. I was relieved to get good results from that and my doctor went so far as to say "Your MRI looks great! Everything is shrinking." It was the best Christmas gift I could have gotten.

Although life is full of uncertainties, having an incurable disease is even more difficult to predict. The Big C is unpredictable. The scans every twelve weeks are to monitor the yuck and make sure things are still headed in the right direction. The side effects of the chemo pills are constant and ever changing, and sometimes I don't know what is causing what. Is it indeed the chemo, the Big C or just something that has nothing to do with either? Each cycle seems to get a bit better and I'm learning what works and what doesn't. I also continue to challenge myself to let go of the things that I just can't figure out. That is not always easy, as I like to know the cause and solution to everything. But, this is just one more thing this diagnosis is teaching me. I'm learning that sometimes I have to let go and let be; I cannot have control over it all. 

However, there are some things I can control, like the way I live my life each day in spite of the monsters. The Big C will never win if I live daily life to its full capacity.

 When I see phrases like "...lost her 5 year battle to cancer", I am profoundly sad. One, because there is another death due to stupid Cancer and two, because these people who have probably fought harder than they ever did in their entire lives are considered to be "losers" of the battle. Most were fighters, living each day as best they could and even when they could fight no longer, they should still be considered winners because of how they lived. We can't let the Big C have the last word. It doesn't deserve that recognition. 

Holidays, New York and a wedding, oh my!

....and exhale! Since Christmas Eve, we have been non-stop, thus the lack of blogging. It's been fun, but now I'm ready for some routine. For four days we celebrated Christmas, then we took a quick trip to New York and last night, on New Year's Eve, we attended a wedding. I'm exhausted! But, here are some pictures to represent all the great moments we had during the past week. 

Family Christmas celebrations for four days in a row, filled with love, and some overtired children.

We did a lot in New York in a short period of time, including walking everywhere. I have to admit, I am proud of the way my body handled the non-stop pace. Although I still have a long way to go and everyday life continues to be a struggle, it was a reminder of how far I have come since the start of this 6 months ago.

And then there was a wedding celebration. I kept feeling very emotional throughout the night, but that's another post for another day. Mostly, the husband and I danced...a lot. It was good, for both of us.

Strength?

Today I had a rough morning emotionally. It's hard to tell exactly what sends me in that direction but I think a perfect storm was generated because of needing more sleep, having a hard time eating, having multiple appointments scheduled in the same week, chemotherapy side effects and various other daily stressors that happen in everyday life. 

I am surrounded by people daily who encourage me, say I'm strong and tell me I can do it and are doing it, but today, I didn't feel like I was doing anything except lots of crying, complaining, wallowing and having moments filled with anxiety. I felt weak and defeated, quite a distance away from feeling strong. 

My BFFSS (BFF Soul Sister) assured me that I WAS doing it because having bad days is part of it...it has to be, otherwise how is this yuck being processed? She's a smart one. It's certainly true that I need to drag myself through the muck of this disease, wallow, fall down and sometimes crash. It's just not fun and it's not how I want to spend most of my days. 

So, about midday, I dragged myself out of the ditch, with some help, brushed myself off and carried on. Perhaps that is where the strength comes in.

I have to constantly remind myself that the important piece of all this is that I get back up  When I am not quite strong enough to give myself this reminder, others step in and help me.  I am blessed with abundant encouragement. 

Tomorrow will be my third doctor's appointment of the week. In the future, I will be trying my best to avoid multiple visits to a medical facility in one week. It's just too much. I do not have the emotional stamina to deal with this Big C junk and tell about my daily triumphs and struggles to more than one medical professional per week. 

I'd like to live with the majority of my time feeling as "normal" as possible.  I realize that fighting these intruders is my new full-time job, but I prefer to work from home most of the time. 

One of my sweet friends posted this on Facebook today. She has no idea how much I needed it. xo

Brewing resilience...

Two weeks goes by so very fast, especially when there is a blog involved and you notice it's been that long since the last post. 

We've celebrated Thanksgiving, Vic and I went to the Cape for a long weekend for our 19th anniversary,  

and now... we are in full Christmas mode, thanks to Dad for spending all day helping me to undo and redo all the lights and assemble my "pre-lit" tree.

Along with all the festive fun we've been having, I'm still a cancer patient, but the good news...I have (very) brief moments when I forget. I'm hoping the moments continue to come and last even longer.

I have lost count I think, but I believe I'm currently halfway through my sixth cycle of oral chemotherapy pills. Because of some side effects, my dose has been decreased by one pill. 

Someone asked me the other day, "Are you done with the medicine?" I will never be done. This diagnosis comes with a lifetime supply of prescriptions to rid my body of the monsters and then keep them at bay. 

I still have ups and downs, but overall, I am currently having more good days than bad. My energy level is better, I'm not as consistently nauseous and some days, I even have moments when I feel "normal" for brief periods of time. Everyday, good or bad, I'm taking deep breaths and living the moment I'm given. 

Sometimes the moments are so very hard. We were watching a light hearted Christmas Movie on demand this past Saturday with our Little Miss. For some reason, we could not fast forward through the commercials...no big deal right? Well, the problem was that the same, intense, commercial stating how many people die each year from the big C, was aired during every break.

At the beginning of the second time it played, Little Miss said, "Momma, this commercial freaks me out, it's so scary, I don't like the music."

GULP 

From that moment on, each time it played we put the blanket over our heads and sang Christmas Carols at the top of our lungs. 

I'm all about educating others and making an impact to lower the number of deaths from Cancer, let's just refrain from disturbing commercials during a Family movie...UGH! Stupid cancer invading our movie night...I was not pleased!

Our life is hard, but we're doing it.

I continue to feel gratitude for the every day moments, even when they are intertwined with the yucky hard stuff. After all, the hard stuff brews resilience. 

I feel like we do a lot of that in this house lately, even more than we brew coffee.