14 days

The time has come...the hair is falling out..yuck, yuck and double yuck!  Although I tried to prepare myself for this part of my cleanse, I'm not sure one can ever truly be prepared.  There really have been no signs that it was getting ready to come out, as I've had no tingling or softening of my scalp like some have mentioned.  But, it is for sure coming out...  Now, the decision:  Do I let it all just fall out, do I shave it now, do I let it go a few more days?  Crazy, crazy decisions that I'd prefer not to have to make.  For today, I am trying not to touch it too much and when I go outside, I wear hats so it doesn't all blow off my head (you can laugh, that is meant to be funny...can you picture it?).

Yesterday I went to a Look Good, Feel Better class and the woman there taught us how to make a cool head covering out of a t-shirt.  Comfortable, affordable and fashionable...I'm all for it.  I tried it out today.  I still need practice to make it look a bit better on my head, but not too bad for my first try. (Now it is not ok to laugh...well, it is, just don't tell me.)

Happy Spring to all of you...and as a friend said to me today, "it's beautiful kerchief weather"....I agree!

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.
Sarah Ban Breathnach

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Feeling Safe...

Since my diagnosis on New Year's Eve, I have not searched the internet or read much of anything about breast cancer.  I gathered most of my information from meeting with the doctors and nurses and from speaking to other people who have had the same diagnosis. I'm certain not everyone would agree that this was the correct approach but, it is what I needed to do for me.  Now that I'm almost 3 months into this "temporary job position", I'm slowly feeling my way around and reading things in small chunks to prevent myself from getting too overwhelmed.  

Something I read yesterday mentioned how many women who have been diagnosed with cancer find it difficult to feel safe in their own bodies.  I think I may have nodded in agreement when I read it.  It is so true and sums up how I am feeling these days, although I never thought to verbalize it in that manner.   Being diagnosed with cancer leaves you feeling vulnerable and frightened...so much so that every twang of pain becomes a trigger to an emotional response of fear and concern.  I was already an anxious person prior to my diagnosis, so each day it is an effort for me to address these responses in a way that does not paralyze me with fear. The Big C has intruded in my body and it has left me scarred both emotionally and physically; I am different and have to learn to be comfortable with the "new" me.   I have to choose not to give in to the Big C's unwelcome visit, but rather show it the door on its way out (and bolt it tightly).   Let's just say I'm conquering my anxiety issues head on with real life practice.  Of course they're still there, but I try not to allow them to overtake my life.   Unwelcome visitors do not deserve that much attention.

Otherwise I'd miss out on moments like this...

I'm sure as time goes on, I will learn to "feel safe" in my own body, but for now, I'm a work in progress.  It's like the caterpillar learning to become a butterfly and with my cocoon of family and friends, I  will get there, but it's an intricate journey that takes some patience.

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

Charles Spurgeon

Slightly Annoyed...

We met with the doctor on Thursday about radiation.  WHOA!  Rude awakening...apparently radiation therapy will start 3 weeks after my last infusion and will take place Monday through Friday for 7 weeks. I really had no idea that it was quite that intense.  The sessions are short, but going on a daily basis slightly annoys me, especially because it messed up our vacation plans! The BIG C is a BIG pain in the bum and it best never think about showing it's ugly face in any part of my body ever again.  Ok...feeling better now...just needed a bit of venting.

Friday I'll be getting my port; this should make my infusions much easier.  I'm not looking forward to another surgery, but this is minor compared to the last-piece of cake.

And today, we shared a corn beef and cabbage dinner with my family.  It was yummy and I thoroughly enjoyed the Potatoes and everything else of course.  I have to say (although I'm afraid to say it aloud, but I'll whisper it), I think my taste buds are back in full gear.  I even had salad dressing last night without any funky taste in my mouth....hooray! 

Sorry for the boring post...my thoughts are definitely a bit jumbled these days, but I appreciate that you all continue to read my ramblings.  

  Enjoy your weekend and here is a good ole Irish Blessing to make this St. Patrick's Day complete.

And a photo to make the post a bit more interesting...

Time to Embrace...

Yesterday was the day, the day for the planned buzz cut as I prepare for clumps of my hair to begin falling out.  As the day got closer, I decided against the full head buzz, but rather a haircut I could still "blend in" with as I wait for the cleansing of my hairline. I have had no signs of it happening yet, so why be too much of a planner?  However, in celebration of this event (that just ended up being a super short haircut), we had ourselves a little party. 


My goddaughter, Miss E has been growing her hair out for quite some time.  She took this opportunity to have 12 inches cut and donate it to Locks of Love.  She is awesome!

And here's E getting his Mohawk...it took some time (and patience) to get the exact look he was aiming for, but he is happy with it in the end..PHEW!

Littlest Nephew wanted a Mohawk like E.  I'm pretty sure he has a little strut in his walk now after taking a look at his new do.

B went for the number 1 Buzz, go big or go home, Cut.  He wears it well.

Not feeling quite as bold, oldest nephew went for the Number 2.

Little Miss originally wanted a Tinkerbell haircut, but settled for a trim and pigtails.

And finally, it was time for my cut, the shortest yet...buzzed in the back and cut super short on the top.  It's definitely low maintenance for sure. 

photos of me taken by Miss E

Thank you to my dear friend Lauren who welcomed me and my entourage into her home and cut hair for 3 hours...you ROCK! 

Lauren's clients for the afternoon, excluding myself and Little Miss.  I'm so happy they could share haircut day with me, and I must say, they are all looking fabulous!

Most of the gang and me.

photo taken by E

“What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.”

-Mother Teresa of Calcutta


Today I'm embracing the new haircuts, including my own, and the simple fact that I still have the hair to embrace :)
It's Thursday and I'm joining Emily at the Anderson Crew to Embrace the Camera.  Check out how others are Embracing the Camera in their everyday lives.

Today is the first day...

As a little kid, I used to sit in my Aunt Sue's car and stare at a sticker on the dashboard that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."  I also remember a little yellow chick on the dash with google eyes.  Right now I can't remember if the chick had the quote or if they were two separate things, but anyway... 

....I remember reading that quote over and over and over and I just could not (as a child) really figure out what it was trying to say.  I was confused by it, so much so that I still remember it vividly over 30 years later (and I don't remember much of anything prior to what I ate last night for dinner).  I guess I knew that someday it would make complete sense to me...I would just have to read it repeatedly and remember it, until it did.  

I have never felt like I have taken the blessings in my life for granted.  Really, I have often wondered why I was so blessed to live my life and have even verbalized a few times that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Surely there would be some cross for me to bear as it can't really all be this good? (Open mouth, insert foot). 

 When reflecting, I am able to see that there indeed have been some times and circumstances that have been challenging and difficult, but also life changing.  In the end, my life is better and more complete because of them.  Infertility and miscarriages were part of the traveled road to the adoption of my children. Where I started out in my journey to have children is certainly not where I ended up, but in a million years, I would not change a thing.   "Sometimes on the way to a dream we get lost and find a better one."  The pain and anguish during that journey is such a distant memory because the new dream is just so much sweeter.

And this journey, well, I'm going to count this as the other shoe dropping, and will be sure never to verbalize that again.  

Each time I visit the doctor's office, I'm intrigued by this poster that hangs on the wall.

I think it describes the process perfectly.  Starting out on this journey feels much like that of a caterpillar, crawling along minding it's own business and blending in with those around it. 

Life then becomes much more complicated as the caterpillar begins to transform and morph into something not so subtle or discrete.  The caterpillar is "forced" to do things for which it is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. The transformation is both physical and emotional. It is a complicated process, but, in the end, emerges a butterfly, completely transformed and able to do things it was unable to do as a meek, quiet caterpillar.  

 My journey is a long one with ups and downs, but in the end I'm certain my life will be sweeter, and in many ways it already is. I understand that the journey to being a butterfly does not happen overnight, that the journey is part of the process and that all will be beautiful in the end.  I  have my family and friends serving as my cocoon.  I'm learning to look at things one moment at a time, even though the planner in me would like to have it all done right now at the snap of my fingers.  I'm learning to be patient with the process and enjoy the journey along the way.  

After all, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."  I CAN choose what to do with it, and right now, I'm choosing to live each moment for what it is without looking any further.

Days 7-10...

There is a lot of this going on around here...

...along with consistent, crazy hand-washing....our hands are dry and in need of moisturizing, but they're germ-free.  You see, this is the time during my cleansing cycle where I am least resistant to germ intruders....I'm an easy target.  I've thought about walking around with a mask on, but I'm not quite there yet.   Snifflers, coughers, and nose blowers please stay clear of me; I'm not up for the challenge of a virus, thank you! 

Yesterday was an unseasonably warm 72 degrees.  Little Miss and I spent the day at the park with our favorite big and little peeps.

...and today, it's raining...blah.

By the way, not all germs are bad.

“Every germ of goodness will at last struggle into bloom and fruitage...true success follows every right step.”

-Orison Swett Marden

Go forth with your day and spread germs of goodness.

Potatoes and buzz cuts...

So one of the lovely side effects of chemotherapy (I mean cleansing medicine) is that it has messed with my taste buds. This side effect actually happened rather quickly as the night of my first treatment I was eating a salad and bleck...the dressing tasted terrible.  The next day it happened again with lemonade, apple juice and strawberries...now my water is tasting a little on the funky side, like it has had salt poured into it....too weird!  

Before I started treatments, a cancer butt kicking friend of mine, said she ate a diet primarily made up of chicken, rice, and potatoes.  Really, I thought, well I won't be wanting to eat that...boring!  Well, guess what I'm craving...POTATOES! YUM!   

My tongue feels as though I burned it on hot soup...fried taste buds anyone?  I'm now waiting for the tingling feeling on my scalp as my hair begins to fall out.  I think this will be the week for a buzz cut.  E is so ready for his Mohawk and will not stop pestering me about it; he just doesn't seem to get why I'm not all that excited about shaving my head...hmmmm. 

In celebration of the buzz cut, check out these gorgeous ladies rocking it.   

And check out this link with "bald" women celebrities because this is what I do in anticipation of being hairless and you might as well join in on the fun.

Stayed tuned...photos coming later this week with my "new do".

And since I've had enough of the bald quotes, here's a potato quote...

My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.Oprah Winfrey