Friday, January 8, 2016

Finding peace...

When the doctor enters the room with a smile on her face, I know I can exhale a big sigh of relief.  Yesterday, that is just what happened. She knows to immediately give me the news as she walks in, as I sit there basically holding my breath. Her words yesterday were, "You have some great looking scans."

The spots are stable and I have some slight shrinking of a spot on my lung. There is also evidence of healing going on in my bones. Stable, if you didn't know, is the new black. I'm so grateful for yet another step in the right direction. 

So you'd think that I'd be doing cartwheels and jumping up and down with pure bliss today...I am not. I could not be more thankful for the news I received yesterday; it absolutely lifted some of the weight off my shoulders and reassured me that I continue to move forward and am meant to have more time in this world. But still, it's hard for me to find the peace. Some may hear this and think I "need to stop and enjoy the good news". To that I say, I'm slowly learning how to do just that. But often I find myself  in a constant state of protecting myself against these monsters. It's hard for me to rest and take off my suit of armor for a little bit. 

This doesn't mean I am not happy and excited about my news. It means I'm just not quite ready to ever put my sword down. I'm still trying to find the balance between being a fighter and just regular ole me. It's not easy.

I share merely to express my truth. Please don't feel bad or empathetic. So many of you are right in this yuck with me, cheering me on, sharing positivity, loving me and even offering to hold my shield while I put it down for a short time.xo

Thank you for helping me to find the peace. I will get there; I'm sure of it.