Thursday, May 31, 2012

Life is a Puzzle....

Tomorrow's chapter of Black Beauty is Life is a Puzzle.  Little Miss   always wants to know the title of the next chapter and then she tries to guess what it's about.  This title was a little too abstract for her.

Frankly, it may be a bit difficult for me to decipher as well.  Life really is a puzzle and sometimes putting the pieces where they belong can be challenging and somewhat overwhelming.  Sometimes the pieces just don't fit together and you have to adjust them accordingly.    

Other than during the first week after treatment, I have physically felt really good this past cycle.  Perhaps it's due to the lower dose of steroids or my (almost) daily walking regiment...who knows?.  With this relative feeling of normalcy comes a bit of bitterness, frustration, and focus on my life BC (Before Cancer).  I'm not going to say I'm consumed by these thoughts, but I must admit I did a bit of wallowing over the past week or so.  The climax of this wallowing was this past weekend when I attempted to wear some "real" clothes.  My daily uniform has consisted of yoga pants and t-shirts for the past 4 months.  Yoga pants are dangerous because they stretch even when you've gained over 15 pounds.  Then, whack, reality slaps you in the face as you try to squeeze into jeans or stretch a skirt over your enlarged hips and butt.  So, that paired with the new chemo side effect of acne, and I pretty much wanted to put my yoga pants back on and wallow for the rest of the was not pretty.  This is what I would refer to as one of my momentary Falls from Grace...there was nothing graceful about it.   I don't share this because I want people to feel bad; the last thing I need right now are guests at my pity party.  I just think it's important to keep it real.  And the reality is, I had a moment.

And then, I got a good swift kick in the bum, and it's over.  I have to consciously choose not to be a victim.  Being a victim and jumping on the "poor me" train would allow the Big C to win and that is not ok.  I need to focus on seeing this as an opportunity to feel loved, to see the compassion of those around me, to educate others, and to embrace moments...the little ones and the big ones.  These moments cannot be wasted on feeling bad for's not worth it, it doesn't change a thing, and really, there are more things in my life for which I should be grateful.

And then after my butt kicking, I read this status update by a friend on facebook. 

"A body will carry us through life. A beautiful soul will make us live forever. Sometimes it is easy to look at the body recycling and feel sad. The greater way and lovelier ability is to appreciate the soul occupying said body. A body is just that. A soul is an energy that nothing can crush. Celebrate the soul and sadness seems small." 

  By the time I went to bed last night, the puzzle pieces were finding their places and starting to fit.  I was never so good at putting puzzles together, especially on my own.  It is even more evident now that when trying to maneuver the pieces to fit properly in the puzzle of life we may have to look outside ourselves and embrace all that surrounds us.  

"There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle."
Deepak Chopra 

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