Let me warn you. This post is deep. It is definitely not full of lollipops and rainbows, but what it will have is my raw feelings and honesty. If you're brave enough to deal with that, then I invite you to read on.
Although I think I'm doing a decent job with focusing on the moment and not looking too much past that, sometimes I'm caught off guard and "forced" beyond the moment. This most often happens when someone posts something on Facebook. It's hard to get away from the doom and gloom of the Big C; it seems every day there is a new story or obituary posted that tugs at the heartstrings. It seems we should at least feel the need to share as many success stories...it doesn't all have to be sad, all the time.
However, being "forced" beyond the moment is not necessarily always a bad thing, because I think it's so very important to deal with all feelings, but it's so ridiculously hard, scary, and for me, very uncertain!
I watch a bit more television now as I go through the days where I'm dealing with the side effects of this nonsense. I try to keep it light, stay away from the Hallmark Channel, news and anything about the BIG C (that's probably the hardest).
Last night I watched the wedding on "Little People, Big World", light and entertaining right? Unfortunately, it was not. It actually made me deeply sad thinking about the reality and truth about this disease I am living with. I started figuring out how many years before my kids finished elementary school and middle school, got their licenses, graduated high school and college and got married themselves. What will I be blessed to experience along side of them? The thought of missing out on any of their experiences, the good, the bad or the ugly brings me to tears and sometimes makes me want to scream in anger.
I do my best not to get stuck there as that steals the "right now" moments, and those are quite valuable, especially these days. So, let's just talk about those.
-I know the whole brain radiation is having a positive effect on destroying the yuck in my brain.
-I am receiving high doses of chemotherapy and managing the side effects. My body is working to destroy the intruders.
-I am functioning (in some capacity) each day and managing my childrens' activities as best I can.
-We are eating meals together as often as we can.
-We watch more television together than we have in the past; my kiddos are psyched about that.
-I have competent and kind medical professionals doing everything they can to make me as healthy as possible.
-I feel supported and LOVED more than I ever have in my entire life.
-We are making daily memories, perhaps not always the ones I would hope for or imagine, but they are invaluable moments that can never being taken away.
Right now, in this moment, I am grateful for where I am on this journey because given the circumstances, I'm in the best place possible right now.
Yes, I have Stage IV Breast Cancer, but right now, in this moment, I am LIVING with it. I am doing all I can to beat the poop out of the intruders, keep the rest of my body in the best condition possible, and continue making moments on a daily basis. There are no guarantees what tomorrow will bring for any of us and yes, for me it's even more uncertain, but I refuse to get "stuck" there. That would be allowing the Big C to win and that, my friends, is not going to happen.
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