Focusing on the light...

Here it is Tuesday evening. The meds finally arrived via FedEx today. I will hopefully be starting tomorrow after I have a "deep"(yes that's what they call it) conversation with someone at Dana Farber about the procedure for taking the chemotherapy pills.  I'm not looking forward to this "deep" talk, as I'm not one to enjoy listening to the side effects and such, thus one of the many  reasons I have a crew that comes with me to every appointment. They listen, and I generally remove myself from the situation. It's just all too much for me sometimes. But, I'll be putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it tomorrow (and hopefully stopping them from saying too much so they don't scare the poop out of me).

Meanwhile, we continue on with each day trying to make it as "normal" as possible, even if in between those moments, we are making phone calls, getting multiple blood tests, mailing urine samples for testing, or filling out paperwork. Sorry, probably too much information there, just keeping it real. 

The good news...most of the big, initial tests are complete at this point. And really, the good moments far outweigh the not so good moments on a daily basis, so for that I am grateful. I continue to do my best to literally take one day at a time and move forward. It's hard to see the light sometimes and I have some short moments when I get stuck. Sometimes I need a tap and sometimes I may even need a shove, but I am doing it, with the help of the village supporting me.

As I go to sleep tonight, it is my hope that I take the medicine with little side effects, that it begins its work immediately to tame the beast and and that every day gets a little easier.

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.

Aristotle Onassis

Therapeutic distractions...

Although it's pretty much impossible for me to mentally "escape" from the current mountain that is before me, there are some things I do to keep myself busy. Besides puttering around my house, doing the usual stuff, I also like to
 make things... 

...and take pictures.

I wouldn't say I'm actually distracting myself, but I am occupying some of the space in my head where I could potentially make myself bonkers. It's also therapeutic for me to be creative. It helps me actually feel that things really are ok, at least in that moment.

And, although I went off my routine for a few posts, Inspiration #8 is here, along with Ron's Joke of the day.  Enjoy! 

Inspiration #8: The story of a friend who found she had the big C while she was pregnant with her second child. She had a brain tumor and started treatment after her child was born. That was 13 years ago. She is one of the most "glass half full" people I know. I truly feel her positive outlook on life ( Which sometimes made me feel guilty for my own negative thinking ) is the reason for her beating this horrible illness. 

Ron's Joke of the Day
What do you call a pig that excels at karate??

A porkCHOP

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul."

Patience...

There are certain situations where I have an exorbitant amount of patience. 
Waiting to start the medicine to Cage this Beast in my body is not one of those situations. Although there was some time I needed to wait in between the brain radiation and starting the meds, I'm now ready. Starting the new meds definitely creates its own anxiety, however, waiting is certainly stirring more.

I visited both my oncologists this week and was prescribed my oral medication to start the process. Because this is a Big MC treatment, and we have to deal with insurance companies (which I'm so grateful to have) and preauthorizations, things are complicated.  So, here I still wait in anticipation of starting. I'm hoping that will happen by Monday. I did receive a 15 minute infusion on Thursday of some meds to counteract some potential side effects and I'm grateful that all went smoothly (knocking on wood at the moment).

Meanwhile, let me just say how much I LOVE my doctor at Dana Farber. She is basically the perfect match for me. She is so very smart, competent, confident, optimistic and KIND. I liked her the first time we met weeks ago, but now, I LOVE her...for real. 

The phrase I've heard most from people as they continue to shower me with encouragement is "You've Got This!" Sometimes, it's a challenge for me to believe it, but having found a doctor that I can completely trust in her plan to make me well, helps me to truly believe that YES, 

And now, I will practice my patience as we await the next step. Hopefully, I only have to practice until Monday. 
"Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind."

Searching for a reason...

If you're anything like me, you like to find the reason that certain things happen. It's a trait that benefits me in some situations, specifically as a mom and a teacher. It's something innate within me, my natural response. I'm also the type of person constantly reflecting on what I have done and wondering what I can do better.

That being said, my initial response to my current situation, after the tears and profanities, was "How did this happen?, What did I do wrong?" 

It's also become clear that there are other people asking the same thing. I get that completely because I am one who requires a reason for things happening...it eases the anxiety and makes things right in the world again.

Unfortunately, this situation, has no clear answers, and I'm quite sure it never will. I have been told by numerous doctors that I did do the right things. I happen to fall into the 15%...I'm pretty sure it's just a number's game, and nothing other than that. 

Let me again set some of the facts straight, not only for everyone else, but for myself too. It helps to reinforce, in my own brain, that I did do all I could have to prevent this nonsense.

-I am now seeing multiple doctors, one of which is in Boston at Dana Farber; they are much more experienced with advanced MC (Metastatic Cancer). On my first visit she confirmed that I did everything I should have to rid myself of the Big C the first time. She would have done nothing different.

-I was vigilant about my diet. I have eaten a low sugar, mostly vegetarian, high antioxidant, organic diet for years. The naturalist doctor I went to gave me an Anti-Cancer Diet and basically, I already followed about 90% of it, but now I'm fine-tuning it even more. Let me also mention that he was "surprised" I was already doing most of what he recommended.

-I walked multiple miles daily, both to relieve stress and stay healthy physically. 

-I paid attention to my body. If something bothered me for more than two weeks, I had it checked out. 

-I alternated between mammograms and chest MRIs every 6 months. My chest MRI in October was clear. 

I know this information can scare the "poop" out of many, because, really, what the heck? I'm still in disbelief. My response is frequently "How did this happen?", but I try my best not to get stuck there because, at this point, what difference does it make? 

I also think, if I was already doing all the right things and this happened, how on Earth can I make it go away? And then, I have my support system setting me straight and rallying behind me. 

And, I'm reminded that there is not just one option, but multiple avenues of HOPE. Of course I'm going to make it go away, because I'm also one who doesn't like to sit back and watch things happen.  This isn't right and it's my job to stop it. I am determined to Cage the Tiger!

Here I am, smack dab in the middle of muck, and now I will get the heck out of it, thankfully because of the treatments available, a support system like no other, prayers and an endless supply of LOVE and support. 

When I have my doubts, I'm quickly reminded by others that I am indeed strong enough to do it. 

"They say everything happens for a reason, the difficult thing is waiting for the reason."

Love cures...

Almost 19 years ago, Victor and I got married. We memorized our vows. Vic went first "I Victor, take you Linda to be my wife(here's where his voice cracked making it hard for me to then say mine), I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life."

When you're married to someone for that length of time, it would seem that you would be confident in knowing that person completely and not imagining being able to love them any more than you already do. This journey of life, so full of surprises, has once again proven otherwise. I'm quite sure that over the past several weeks I have fallen more in love with the man I married almost 20 years ago. 

I need to brag for a minute. He has been amazing...there for me 100% and willing to do whatever he needs so I'm moving in the right direction. He is my encouragement when it's hard for me to peel myself out of bed in the morning, when I'm overwhelmed by what's before us, or when I spontaneously start crying. He is the organizer of my meds, my calendar for my appointments, and my personal chef. Meanwhile, he continues to do everything else he was doing before the intruder returned to our lives. Those vows of 19 years ago are now fully loaded with experiences, meaning, and unconditional LOVE.

I'm pretty certain he will not be very comfortable with this particular post, but I felt the need to shout out to the world about his awesomeness. I'm blessed to have him and so very grateful. He has been my rock, not only for our entire marriage, but especially now. Until adversity slams you in the face, I'm not sure you truly know someone completely and even yourself, for that matter. Perhaps a silver lining to all this muck.

I often have feelings of guilt with this new journey, constantly feeling like I'm disrupting other people's lives. The fact that my loved ones have to deal with all this "yuck" makes me feel terrible. 
These are certainly my own feelings because I couldn't be more loved and supported. My entire support system is incredible. I continue to receive messages daily asking me what I need. I have amazing people in my life for sure. 

Tonight I was thinking that I literally have a loving army behind me and did you know that "Receiving love helps the body heal"?  In that case, I'm certain mine has already started to do so.

Leaps of Faith...

I will start by stating the obvious...my life has been full of surprises.  I'm quite sure I have said before that I've never really been a fan of surprises, some surprises...ok, but some, not so much! 

 I like routine and predictability. I'm a planner who thrives on knowing what's next. I'm a direction follower who tries to do what is right.

But, here I am, front and center of another hard to grasp, is this my life surprise? 

Thankfully, I have an army of love and support that willingly takes on these surprises with me. Otherwise, I'm quite certain, I would not be able to function and move forward. 

That being said, did you know there is a Facebook group called Leaps for Linda? (You can click on that title and it will bring you to the page)

I'm not even sure how it was started exactly, but it's been amazing!! This, my friends, is a good surprise. Every night, I log on to see adults, children, pets, baby bellies, strangers, friends and family doing leaps. I like to refer to them as my 

leaps of faith.

It certainly lifts my spirits and makes me feel so supported in this latest journey. I really can't even put into words what it does, not only for me, but for my Little Miss and E too. They enjoy seeing all the leaps.  

And now, let me just talk about Wednesday morning as I scrolled through and saw this...

crazy right? People are good and kindness spreads like wild fire...proof!

"Things can fall apart, or threaten to, for many reasons, and then there's got to be a leap of faith. Ultimately, when you're at the edge, you have to go forward or backward; if you go forward, you have to jump together."

Truth...

I realized today that it's important for me to share and clear up a few things. We all know that a lack of information can precipitate all sorts of stuff, some of which may not necessarily be accurate, pleasant or encouraging.

Yes, I have metastatic breast cancer, meaning it is now in other parts of my body, including my brain, lungs, and back...YIKES! I know what you're thinking...sounds grim...

and yes, the news is not exactly easy to listen to, but guess what, as bad as it sounds, it is not an automatic death sentence. I have been to several doctors and not one has told me to "put my things in order". They, instead, have offered hope and treatment options. Once beginning these options and adjusting to a new normal, life can go on and that is indeed every intention I have for myself.

In fact, life is going on now. Today, I made breakfast, got my kiddos ready for camp, wrapped presents with my Little Miss, Mom and I took her to a birthday party for 4 hours at the park and I tucked my E in bed about a dozen times (he's having trouble sleeping tonight). No, I'm not feeling like myself and stuff is going on, but I'm functioning. I'm not laid up in a hospital bed dwindling away...try to wipe that image out of your minds...not planning on that at all.

I currently have no hair from radiation, my face is swollen from steroids, my skin is kind of a mess...I'm looking like a BIG C patient, but I'm doing ok.

Today I am thankful for small victories, including that it was confirmed today that the Big C is indeed the same breast cancer I had before..this was based on a bronchoscopy biopsy I had last week.  This is good news...treating breast cancer in those areas is easier than treating other types of cancers, and they know how to treat it. The results of my early morning spine MRI on Monday also confirmed that I have nothing growing in my spine...yay for that too! Two pieces of good news.

The brain radiation I had should is still working on shrinking those monsters in my brain and soon I hope to start some meds to shrink the rest of the spots in my body. 

This is certainly no easy task, I can spend days analyzing, and trying to figure it all out. It's useless! It helps with no part of it. I'm choosing now to take one moment at a time, swallowing that bit of information and taking it from there. For me, that is truly the only way for me to move forward. I like to get things done and getting "stuck" interferes with that. Believe me, I spend some time each day wallowing and then I stop, pick myself up (or someone else does), and I move forward. 

The Love I feel each and everyday is helping me move forward.  Those of you asking how you can help are already doing so. Every text, every note, every comment, every post, every hug, every card, every gift sent, and every leap (that's a whole other post for tomorrow) moves me forward. Feeling this loved is amazing...a silver lining to this whole situation for sure. Most days, the love I feel is what brings me to tears; I'm so very grateful.

#7 inspiration: Someone told me the other day that a person she knows was diagnosed with breast cancer in her brain 20 years ago...she's still around. 

And Ron's latest contribution:

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” ― Oscar Wilde