If you're anything like me, you like to find the reason that certain things happen. It's a trait that benefits me in some situations, specifically as a mom and a teacher. It's something innate within me, my natural response. I'm also the type of person constantly reflecting on what I have done and wondering what I can do better.
That being said, my initial response to my current situation, after the tears and profanities, was "How did this happen?, What did I do wrong?"
It's also become clear that there are other people asking the same thing. I get that completely because I am one who requires a reason for things happening...it eases the anxiety and makes things right in the world again.
Unfortunately, this situation, has no clear answers, and I'm quite sure it never will. I have been told by numerous doctors that I did do the right things. I happen to fall into the 15%...I'm pretty sure it's just a number's game, and nothing other than that.
Let me again set some of the facts straight, not only for everyone else, but for myself too. It helps to reinforce, in my own brain, that I did do all I could have to prevent this nonsense.
-I am now seeing multiple doctors, one of which is in Boston at Dana Farber; they are much more experienced with advanced MC (Metastatic Cancer). On my first visit she confirmed that I did everything I should have to rid myself of the Big C the first time. She would have done nothing different.
-I was vigilant about my diet. I have eaten a low sugar, mostly vegetarian, high antioxidant, organic diet for years. The naturalist doctor I went to gave me an Anti-Cancer Diet and basically, I already followed about 90% of it, but now I'm fine-tuning it even more. Let me also mention that he was "surprised" I was already doing most of what he recommended.
-I walked multiple miles daily, both to relieve stress and stay healthy physically.
-I paid attention to my body. If something bothered me for more than two weeks, I had it checked out.
-I alternated between mammograms and chest MRIs every 6 months. My chest MRI in October was clear.
I know this information can scare the "poop" out of many, because, really, what the heck? I'm still in disbelief. My response is frequently "How did this happen?", but I try my best not to get stuck there because, at this point, what difference does it make?
I also think, if I was already doing all the right things and this happened, how on Earth can I make it go away? And then, I have my support system setting me straight and rallying behind me.
And, I'm reminded that there is not just one option, but multiple avenues of HOPE. Of course I'm going to make it go away, because I'm also one who doesn't like to sit back and watch things happen. This isn't right and it's my job to stop it. I am determined to Cage the Tiger!
Here I am, smack dab in the middle of muck, and now I will get the heck out of it, thankfully because of the treatments available, a support system like no other, prayers and an endless supply of LOVE and support.
When I have my doubts, I'm quickly reminded by others that I am indeed strong enough to do it.
"They say everything happens for a reason, the difficult thing is waiting for the reason."