Thank you...

I feel that at some point in my life I was good at sending thank you notes. Recently, not so much. Does it still mean something if I have good intentions? I have handmade cards and my list of people to send them to, that's a start right? 

This new occupation of mine is time consuming and not to mention, EXHAUSTING! I have been so tired lately that it's been difficult to get anything done really. My kids were so excited to be couch potatoes for a day, and I earned some points for that one.

Anyway, in an attempt to make myself feel better, I decided to give you the opportunity to print out your own thank you's, from me to you. If you click on the following photos, you should be able to print at your leisure.

I like to use this one as a bookmark :) 

And click right on the image below to print as a 5x7 print. Consider these as gifts from me to you. I realize they are not as personal as an individual thank you, but truly from my heart and created with love.

"It's not happy people who are thankful, it's thankful people who are happy."

PS This is the first time I've attempted to have photos on my blog to print, so I'm not so sure I've even set it up correctly. I'd love some feedback to let me know and that way I can correct what I have to. Thanks again! 

Slow and steady...

I am currently on day 10 of my second cycle of chemotherapy pills. Overall, I am doing fine. I do have some side effects, but right now, they are what I would call manageable, and manageable we can do.

Last Saturday morning, I went for a brain MRI, primarily to see if there have been results of the whole brain radiation I had months ago. I have felt positive things happening with the left side of my body, so my thoughts for progress have been good. Yesterday, we did receive a telephone call confirming that the "brain MRI looks better". We have no other details, but we will take that. Slow and steady wins the race right? Problem is, I'm not generally a slow and steady person. I like to get it done ASAP.

This job is so hard, and I'm still mourning the loss of my old life, when I had enough energy to do everything I wanted to do without taking a three hour nap, when I could hop in my car and take a ride to Target, when I could drive my kids to get ice cream and when I had an appetite to eat just about anything. I try to remind myself that this part of my job is just the beginning and it is a temporary adjustment period. We are still trying to figure things out and the medicine is working hard right now to attack all those Big C invaders. One day, one minute at a time is really the only way. 

The sailing on this journey is not always smooth, but we're becoming more proficient navigators even in the rough seas.

Thursday we may get more specific information about the brain MRI, but for now, "looks better" is just fine. We will take it. 

Thanks once again for all the thoughts, prayers, and love. It's keeping me afloat for sure.

"Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."

Becoming routine...

It's been over two months since I received the dreaded phone call. We (as in my family) have come a long way since that scary day. Although this unwelcome new life is not anything we asked for, we are starting to have a routine. We are all a bit more settled and are able to face each day with more optimism compared to that first month. 

We are still at the beginning of this new journey and learning as we go, especially with trying to figure out the effects of the medicines, but each day brings more strength and reassurance that together, we can indeed climb this mountain. 

Still walking...

I've received several inquiries about how I'm doing and I realize some of it is because of my lack of recent posting. I apologize for not getting back to everyone, but real life gets precedent.  And, sometimes I'm just not into writing. This is especially the case because I've been dealing with nausea monsters for over a week. My week off from meds started this past Thursday and I've been battling the nausea since the previous Sunday. It has been a discouraging week to say the least. I had few side effects, including nausea, while I was on the meds for the first two weeks, but truthfully, it's been worse during my week "off". Too much yuck! Because everything is still new, we are trying to figure this out. I'm optimistic tonight that relief and some answers are in my near future. 

Meanwhile, I'm doing my best to see this as a temporary problem that will come to an end, but I'm struggling. Being nauseous is a full-time job within my full-time job. It takes a great deal of energy and time to eat and even then, most times I still feel hungry because I'm struggling to find anything I can stomach. And we all know what can happen when one is hungry...it can make one grumpy.

Wah, wah...enough of that. I can't even stand listening to myself with this, but it's reality. I've had several miserable days. It's been so hard and stirs up the anger within me all over again. Many days, I'm not all that confident in believing I can do it, but then I'm told otherwise. So, I chug on and will do it, even if it means walking or crawling at a snail's pace. This is a battle, it's not going to be all smooth sailing, but one could hope. Basically the Big C sucks,and that is all.

Let me end this post by saying that when visiting with my oncologist last Thursday, she was quite pleased at how I was tolerating the medicine thus far. At that time, the side effects were minimal and the major ones that cause the primary concerns were under control. 

And tonight after speaking with another doctor, I'm confident my nausea is on its way to going away. 

I just finished eating some homemade soup and grapes and actually enjoyed it. This makes me very happy for sure.

Three positive points to wrap-up this very nauseating post. 

Is it gone?

After people ask me, "How are you doing?", the second question they generally ask is "How are your kids doing?" 

Overall, I feel like they are doing fine. They are two different beings who are three years apart in age so they are also dealing with this situation very differently. Little Miss is 8. She was barely 5 the first time and I'm not sure she really understands the significance of what is going on. She also lacks the anxiety her brother has so most times she really seems to be acting like life is as it was just a couple of months ago.

E on the other hand is a bit more nervous. He was 8 the first time and now 11. I don't like to go into too much detail about my kiddos because it's their business and not mine to share. But, I will say he's super insightful and tends to withhold his questions, concerns and anxiety to himself. 

Yesterday he overheard some of our discussion about the reflex returning and some questions started coming. "What does that mean? Is that a good thing?" 
I was very happy he was actually asking the questions.

Today, I went to a quick doctor's appointment and when I got back, he ran to the car to ask, "Is it all gone, Mom?" UGH, another tear trigger for me. My sensitive and scared boy asking if the beast inside my body is gone. "No E, not yet, unfortunately it doesn't happen that fast." But, I'm working on it for sure. That's the plan...kick the beast to the curb!

We are honest with our children, but do not go into too much "adult" detail. Goodness, it's hard for us to process, never mind small children. We have also made sure they have other people they can talk to about this "yuck" and both have been very receptive and done very well with that resource. 

This is a complicated journey for all of us and each of us deals with it differently. Being a parent is tough work. Being a parent with the Big C just adds another layer to the already challenging job.  I wrote my feelings about my kiddos 3 years ago when the intruder entered unannounced. You can read it here.

Truthfully, I would say that my children having to deal with this is by far the thing that is the most stressful for me. It just seems so unfair for them. But, again, in an attempt to find a silver lining, I imagine that this journey will help build character and resilience in my children. They will be stronger, just like the rest of us, for it. I have faith that they really will be just fine!

"Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work though difficult problems."

Gever Tulley

The climbing has begun...

I started the chemotherapy pills this past Thursday. I was thinking as I looked at the bag that it really needed to be less scary and more motivational, like "You can do this!, Kick the Big C to the curb!.." 

Get rid of the yellow caution label and make it colorful. The bag is so "yuck". 

I posted the photo on Facebook and don't you know one of my friends wrote this:

"If you jumble the letters on the yellow label, you can make the  words-

Heal

Destroy

See ya!

#kick-it"

That's what I'm talking about! How great is that? Once again, how can I not be grateful for such a support system. I'm a lucky girl indeed!

Meanwhile I've already had all these ideas in my head with how to go about changing the face of the plastic bags that hold the chemotherapy pills. (Please don't swipe this idea that I'm publicly sharing, that wouldn't be nice:).

So, today makes day 6 of starting the beast killers.  I'm afraid to say it so let me whisper, I'm doing ok and I haven't had much in the area of side effects. Everything has been manageable (I'm knocking on wood, of course).

I also went for a follow-up appointment at the radiation oncologist this morning. We chatted for a while, then he did a quick exam, including checking my reflexes. We were very excited to see that both my knees had reflexes. Why is this so exciting? Well, one of the symptoms that brought me to my oncologist in June was the fact that I was having tingling on my left side, and then I lost feeling in my left knee. When he examined me, I had no reflex. The fact that I had one today means that there are positive results of the radiation I had on my brain...good news for sure! The radiation also continues to work long after the treatment stops, more good news and continued HOPE.

Although it seems like I received the dreaded phone call from my oncologist yesterday, it's really been over a month. Honestly, it's been a bit frustrating and scary to be moving through things at what feels like a snail's pace. When you know you have the Big C throughout your body, you really would like to part with the unwelcome visitor ASAP. By the way I decided I really do like the word "visitor" because it indicates that it will be leaving, maybe not immediately, by eventually. 

So anyway, I feel like I've been  anticipating climbing Mount Everest, but was actually never going to do so. I've been standing at the foot of the mountain, looking up, but never starting the climb. After today's appointment and starting the medication, I finally feel like I've started to climb the mountain, and I'm really looking forward to getting to the top, even if it takes patience and baby steps to get there.

 I'm also very thankful I have so many to climb this mountain right along side me.

__________________________________________________

Ronnie's Joke of the day:

What kind of horses go out after dark?

Nightmares

________________________________________

"When the sun is shining I can do anything; no mountain is too high, no trouble too difficult to overcome."

Wilma Rudolph

Don't be afraid of my tears...

It's likely that if I see you and I haven't since getting the news of the intruder returning without an invite, I will cry. Heck I will probably cry even if I have seen you. Don't feel bad for me because I cry. It's part of the process. You can still hug me and talk to me and you may even shed a tear or two as well. This is hard stuff, and the tears are real emotions that come along with it. 

There are so many reasons why I cry. First, I'm still in a bit of disbelief that this is my life, that this is the course I must follow and well sometimes, it's just so overwhelming that the only thing I can seem to do is shed a few tears.

Then I cry that my family and loved ones also have to come along on this journey too. Their unwavering love and support brings me to tears. 

Then I cry because I'm so overwhelmed by the love that I feel from so many. The genuine kindness and caring from literally thousands of people is humbling and brings me to tears.

I may cry when I read inspirational quotes or messages I'm tagged in on Facebook, I may cry when I receive a motivational card (on a daily basis), I may cry when I receive a gift from someone I know or have never even met, I may cry when I get a text from friends and relatives, I may cry when someone sends me a quote on Pinterest, I may cry when I see all the leaps posted, I may cry when I come home from a week away and see that my friends and parents got together to clean-up my yard and make it beautiful. There are so many triggers to my tears these days, but they are mostly good. 

I know I've quoted my grandmother before, but once again her "there's nothing so bad that something good doesn't come out of it", is so very true and fitting in this situation. 

Yes, I seem to have quite the mountain to climb here, but I also have been blessed to have a support system like I've never seen or experienced. The love I have literally felt over the past month is pretty much indescribable. When I was previously diagnosed, I compared the feeling to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life".(You can click on that link to bring you to that previous post) It's still true.

There are people out there in this world facing life's hardships without the blessings I am grateful to have. I try not to lose sight of that even in the moments where it's hard to see the light. The continuous support makes that task much easier. So, thank you once again for pushing this girl forward. 

And just so we're clear, I'm not sitting around bawling my eyes out all day, using up all the tissues in the house, I'm just a bit more sensitive than usual. My tears come more easily than they have in the past. My emotions are raw. 

And now, on a different note, it's my dad's birthday. So, to wrap up this teary-eyed post, I'd like to give a shout out to the best dad a girl could have. I'm a lucky one indeed. I love you dad! Happy happy birthday to you! I love you! xo

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."

Oprah Winfrey