Love cures...

Almost 19 years ago, Victor and I got married. We memorized our vows. Vic went first "I Victor, take you Linda to be my wife(here's where his voice cracked making it hard for me to then say mine), I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life."

When you're married to someone for that length of time, it would seem that you would be confident in knowing that person completely and not imagining being able to love them any more than you already do. This journey of life, so full of surprises, has once again proven otherwise. I'm quite sure that over the past several weeks I have fallen more in love with the man I married almost 20 years ago. 

I need to brag for a minute. He has been amazing...there for me 100% and willing to do whatever he needs so I'm moving in the right direction. He is my encouragement when it's hard for me to peel myself out of bed in the morning, when I'm overwhelmed by what's before us, or when I spontaneously start crying. He is the organizer of my meds, my calendar for my appointments, and my personal chef. Meanwhile, he continues to do everything else he was doing before the intruder returned to our lives. Those vows of 19 years ago are now fully loaded with experiences, meaning, and unconditional LOVE.

I'm pretty certain he will not be very comfortable with this particular post, but I felt the need to shout out to the world about his awesomeness. I'm blessed to have him and so very grateful. He has been my rock, not only for our entire marriage, but especially now. Until adversity slams you in the face, I'm not sure you truly know someone completely and even yourself, for that matter. Perhaps a silver lining to all this muck.

I often have feelings of guilt with this new journey, constantly feeling like I'm disrupting other people's lives. The fact that my loved ones have to deal with all this "yuck" makes me feel terrible. 
These are certainly my own feelings because I couldn't be more loved and supported. My entire support system is incredible. I continue to receive messages daily asking me what I need. I have amazing people in my life for sure. 

Tonight I was thinking that I literally have a loving army behind me and did you know that "Receiving love helps the body heal"?  In that case, I'm certain mine has already started to do so.

Leaps of Faith...

I will start by stating the obvious...my life has been full of surprises.  I'm quite sure I have said before that I've never really been a fan of surprises, some surprises...ok, but some, not so much! 

 I like routine and predictability. I'm a planner who thrives on knowing what's next. I'm a direction follower who tries to do what is right.

But, here I am, front and center of another hard to grasp, is this my life surprise? 

Thankfully, I have an army of love and support that willingly takes on these surprises with me. Otherwise, I'm quite certain, I would not be able to function and move forward. 

That being said, did you know there is a Facebook group called Leaps for Linda? (You can click on that title and it will bring you to the page)

I'm not even sure how it was started exactly, but it's been amazing!! This, my friends, is a good surprise. Every night, I log on to see adults, children, pets, baby bellies, strangers, friends and family doing leaps. I like to refer to them as my 

leaps of faith.

It certainly lifts my spirits and makes me feel so supported in this latest journey. I really can't even put into words what it does, not only for me, but for my Little Miss and E too. They enjoy seeing all the leaps.  

And now, let me just talk about Wednesday morning as I scrolled through and saw this...

crazy right? People are good and kindness spreads like wild fire...proof!

"Things can fall apart, or threaten to, for many reasons, and then there's got to be a leap of faith. Ultimately, when you're at the edge, you have to go forward or backward; if you go forward, you have to jump together."

Truth...

I realized today that it's important for me to share and clear up a few things. We all know that a lack of information can precipitate all sorts of stuff, some of which may not necessarily be accurate, pleasant or encouraging.

Yes, I have metastatic breast cancer, meaning it is now in other parts of my body, including my brain, lungs, and back...YIKES! I know what you're thinking...sounds grim...

and yes, the news is not exactly easy to listen to, but guess what, as bad as it sounds, it is not an automatic death sentence. I have been to several doctors and not one has told me to "put my things in order". They, instead, have offered hope and treatment options. Once beginning these options and adjusting to a new normal, life can go on and that is indeed every intention I have for myself.

In fact, life is going on now. Today, I made breakfast, got my kiddos ready for camp, wrapped presents with my Little Miss, Mom and I took her to a birthday party for 4 hours at the park and I tucked my E in bed about a dozen times (he's having trouble sleeping tonight). No, I'm not feeling like myself and stuff is going on, but I'm functioning. I'm not laid up in a hospital bed dwindling away...try to wipe that image out of your minds...not planning on that at all.

I currently have no hair from radiation, my face is swollen from steroids, my skin is kind of a mess...I'm looking like a BIG C patient, but I'm doing ok.

Today I am thankful for small victories, including that it was confirmed today that the Big C is indeed the same breast cancer I had before..this was based on a bronchoscopy biopsy I had last week.  This is good news...treating breast cancer in those areas is easier than treating other types of cancers, and they know how to treat it. The results of my early morning spine MRI on Monday also confirmed that I have nothing growing in my spine...yay for that too! Two pieces of good news.

The brain radiation I had should is still working on shrinking those monsters in my brain and soon I hope to start some meds to shrink the rest of the spots in my body. 

This is certainly no easy task, I can spend days analyzing, and trying to figure it all out. It's useless! It helps with no part of it. I'm choosing now to take one moment at a time, swallowing that bit of information and taking it from there. For me, that is truly the only way for me to move forward. I like to get things done and getting "stuck" interferes with that. Believe me, I spend some time each day wallowing and then I stop, pick myself up (or someone else does), and I move forward. 

The Love I feel each and everyday is helping me move forward.  Those of you asking how you can help are already doing so. Every text, every note, every comment, every post, every hug, every card, every gift sent, and every leap (that's a whole other post for tomorrow) moves me forward. Feeling this loved is amazing...a silver lining to this whole situation for sure. Most days, the love I feel is what brings me to tears; I'm so very grateful.

#7 inspiration: Someone told me the other day that a person she knows was diagnosed with breast cancer in her brain 20 years ago...she's still around. 

And Ron's latest contribution:

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” ― Oscar Wilde

Things I cling to...

I guess i've really always been one of those people that seems to pay attention closely to some things. 

Facing the Big C the first time, I think my vision became even more in tune and now, well, I cling to things that can indeed give me some hope.

Yesterday, after a short walk with my mom and Little Miss, I arrived home to see this butterfly. It was beautiful and really was not into moving anywhere.  I was curious to see what it looked like and why it wasn't moving, so I tried to pick it up.

When I did, it opened its wings and it was obvious why it wasn't flying all over the place...so I thought. After a short time of me loving on this beautiful creature, it flew away completely on its own and never returned. This beautiful, broken winged butterfly did it. It was awesome! It restored my faith and indeed gave me hope. That, I will cling to.

Inspiration #6:

My uncle was found to have a cancerous tumor behind his eye ball in October. The eye was removed immediately and he was told that it was highly unlikely that it was an aggressive cancer or that it would metastasize. They were wrong on both counts. In March he was told that it had set up shop on his liver and was very aggressive. He was basically told to get his affairs in order. The only real chance he was given was a research study. He signed up. Upon getting there and checking in (in Pennsylvania. He lives in Ohio) he learned that he was part of the control group that would receive the current standard of care (which has a 6% survival rate) and that the treatment itself is immediately life-threatening. Again, a crushing blow. After 2 rounds of this treatment (over the course of about 6 wks) we received word yesterday that his tumor has shrunk by 1/2!!!! We are all amazed and so thankful. He will continue the treatment next week again and will continue fighting. His first grandchild was born the week before he started this treatment so his goal right now is to smack cancer down so that he can enjoy watching the little man grow up.  

Clinging to Hope!

Comic Relief, sponsored by Ron.

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"

"A stick."

More hard stuff..

Really, I need to come up with a better post title.  The hard stuff thing is yucky and I'd like to move away from it sometimes.

The other day I sat at a doctor's office and read my description on the computer.
"Linda is a 42 year old pleasant woman with metastatic breast cancer..."
something about seeing it in writing...
That being said, at least they thought I was pleasant :) 

Right now I'm taking one day, well, literally, one minute at a time. I'm going to the initial appointments with my entourage and trying to digest all this insanity. Truthfully, they are doing it for me. Many times, I leave the appointment and they finish digesting and asking questions.  Sometimes, it's just too much for me to even comprehend. My emotions overcome me. I walk the hallways to decompress. Saying I'm grateful to have a personal entourage is not even close to the reality I feel.

The idea is to get all this information and have a plan to start shrinking this S%#@!

Three weeks ago, life was normal. Tonight I think about the fact that I have one day left of brain radiation to stop the madness going on in my head,I'm deciding when to have my hair buzzed because my hair is falling out in volumes, and I anticipate the rest of my appointments for the week. I felt bad for myself tonight for sure. 

Later this week I anticipate having a biopsy to confirm the specific kind of breast cancer (Yes, this is still breast cancer; it's now moved beyond my breast).

This MC is not a curable cancer (at this time anyway).  It is chronic, however it can be stopped and there are several avenues of hope. I plan on doing this with 100% of who I am, certainly not my initial life plan, but now my full-time job!!! 

A story like mine is definitely one I used to avoid; it would scare the pants off me. Now it scares the pants off me and it's all my story..what the heck? Talk about having to face my fears! There was 15% chance it could happen to me, 85% chance it would not. I did what I could to lessen that percent even more because I ate healthy, walked daily, tried not to create too much stress, blah, blah, blah. Hmmmmm, it's frustrating to say the least and causes me to say multiple f-bombs on a daily basis. It's absolutely surreal for sure and I apologize to those of you now freaking out because of my diagnosis...I get it; believe me! However, I plan on showing you all that you can still survive and live your life! I allow myself to get angry, but try hard not to get stuck there because I need to whip some butt!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the continued daily prayers, words of encouragement and just the outpouring of love...I feel it.

#5 inspiration: (please keep them coming)

I have a friend who was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer stage 4 shortly after her son was born...he just finished kindergarten and his mom is amazing. She has 3 children and sometimes I think she really is superwoman. I know her for almost 5 years before I even knew she had cancer. She frequently did fund raisers for different cancer foundations, but I never realized she was a survivor and patient. There are good days and bad, but we all have those. 

And today's comic relief thanks to Ron:

"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?"

"It gets toad away."

Hard Stuff...

The title of this post is a gross understatement of the reality I feel right now. The choice in having to deal with it...NONE! The choice with how I choose to deal with it, however, is something I can do. That, in itself, is ridiculously hard too! My fire is ignited every morning by so many, otherwise the spark dwindles for sure.

From the beginning of this, which was merely over a week ago, the guilt instantly overcame me because I knew it would have such an effect on all those I'm blessed to have in my life.  My first uncontrollable sobbing was when I uttered, "my poor babies", over and over again. As a momma, I can't even begin to comprehend my feelings, but this week my choice was to buy pool noodles to work out, you know, some possible aggression we may be feeling. (Rule: Not hitting heads; mine happens to be pretty fragile at the moment, in more ways than one). We are all learning to be a fighting family; we're going to do this hard stuff, even though we didn't actually welcome it. So far I think I've whacked things the most.  

I still have so much to learn in this life of mine and so I plan on sticking around for a while even if there are ginormous hurdles to climb in doing so. Thanks for believing I can do it.

For me, take care of this village that surrounds me.  Be kind, go the extra mile, support each other.  This is certainly never a comfortable situation. We are not professionals in the hard times of life. We have to stick together and do our best.

 Ignoring the hard stuff may really be the only thing not to do (but, boy I get that too). Get beyond the yuck because someone needs you. Take care of my village, I need them!

My brother has been sending me jokes daily. I look forward to the laugh each evening and thought I really should share the fun too, so along with inspiration, we have some comic relief thanks to my little brother Ron. 

"What did one butt cheek say to the other?"

"Together me and you...we can stop this s@#t!"

#4 Inspiration:

"The school librarian I used to work with was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer at the age of 50. I remember clearly because we share the same bday and she is 10 yrs older than me. She went to Boston for 2nd opinions and they didn't believe they could do anything different for her than could be done in RI. Well, she will turn 70 next month! She is a woman of faith and hope, which I believe helps her.

My best advice of the day...

Everyday I get the drive to do this thanks to the outpouring of love and support.  The best advice I received today was this:

"I think you should scream at the top of your lungs and cry your eyes out whenever you feel like it. It doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're giving up. Those responses mean you're human, you're alive and very much in the fight."

And today's #3. I forwarded it to my hubby yesterday, with the email titled the "new us".I really was quite fond of the old us and not too much into change, but I know we can do the new us too. I can't imagine being able to do it with anyone else.

And thank you to my other friend for posting this on my page this morning. You're all fueling the fire deep within me. I can't even begin to to express my gratitude.