Gracious acceptance...

I went to Panera with Mom last Friday as we do almost every week. There was a woman there with three young children, probably all under three. Obviously, her hands as well as her heart were full. I was waiting for the food when her name was called. She began piling the food plates, attempted to wrangle the kiddos and had her young daughter follow with another plate. Standing there waiting, it seemed I should offer to help, so I did. I can't remember exactly what I said, but the look she gave me indicated that my intent to do something kind was interpreted as a complete insult. "No, I have it", with a delayed "thank you though" after it was too late to withdraw the daggers I had already gotten.

Of course I replayed the "event" several times in my head and after venting about it to my mom, I realized I am often guilty of the same reaction I received. It is not easy these days for me to accept help. It indicates that I am unable to do something, and this was also probably what the woman thought when I asked her if I could help. Her reaction made me feel terrible and I'm sure I've caused the same to others when they've tried to help me. 

From the time my children were little, I have had one rule, "Be Kind". Their dad asks them every night what they did that day to be kind to others. We are big on that four letter word. 

I'm recently realizing that along with initiating kindness, it's ok to accept it as well. We do not necessarily help someone because they need it, we help others because we care about them, love them and/or just wish to spread kindness. 

I'm definitely a work in progress when it comes to accepting help from others, especially these days. I'm stubborn, and I want to believe I can do things on my own. Most days, that is indeed the case, but sometimes it's not, and I really do need help. Sometimes I even ask for it. Since June, I have not been able to drive. As a 43 year old mom, that is not an easy restriction. I have had to rely completely on others for driving my children and me places. I cannot just get in the car and go somewhere. It's hard to lose some of the independence I once had. However, I'm grateful I have the blessings of many who step up to the plate on a daily basis. 

"Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it."

Whatever the reason we are offered and given help from others, it seems we should be gracious and always grateful in our response. I am far from being an expert in this area, but I do plan to continue working on it and taking my own advice.

"Accepting help is its own kind of strength." -Kiera Cass 

Charmed moments...

I would like to consider myself a consistent blogger, but I don't think that is really true. I'm an as needed blogger I think. I blog when I need to.  

Sometimes I have a lot to say and other times, my mind is quiet. I'm embracing the quiet times these days because more often than not, things are quite the opposite. 

The most common question asked of me continues to be,"How are you feeling?" And I continue to respond with"Considering what's going on, I'm doing ok." Some days I feel like I'm barely managing and other days I'm doing better than managing. The symptoms I contend with are really due to the chemotherapy pills, not the Big C itself. If the pills are strong enough to destroy the "Little F----ers", then they also tend to beat the rest of my body up as well. But,the symptoms are improving.

At the end of this month I have the appointment for my scans. With that upcoming date, I become more anxious. It seems "safest" for me to remain cautiously optimistic (a phrase I was introduced to by our social worker when we were going through the adoption process). 

I will have the results of those scans by Easter. I, of course, will share them.

I followed Little Miss outside with my camera in hand the other "spring-like" day and she said, "What are you going to take pictures of?"

"Can I take pictures of you?"

"Mom, you know I like to be alone outside."

After a small dose of begging, she let me take a few. It felt good to pick up my camera, walk around the yard and snap some photos, something I haven't done much of lately. I will continue to focus on these moments.

“...there is no such thing as a charmed life, not for any of us, no matter where we live or how mindfully we attend to the tasks at hand. But there are charmed moments, all the time, in every life and in every day, if we are only awake enough to experience them when they come and wise enough to appreciate them.” 

― Katrina Kenison, The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother's Memoir

For as long as I can...

Tonight when I was tucking my Little Miss into bed, she asked, "Momma will you still take care of me when I'm 21?" To which I replied "I will Kaia." For a split second I was caught just being a Momma and forgetting the circumstances that we are faced with right now. Then I paused, swallowed away the tears and continued my response. "I will take care of you for as long as I can."  For a moment I was a "normal" mom, answering a question my 8 year old asked and then the reality of the question hit me like a smack across the face.

F'n Cancer, you suck!

Although we really don't know what could happen from one day to the next, those of us with incurable, Stage IV cancer are faced with the thought more often than most. And, our kids also think about it. There is no way around it. 

Most times we try to be a "normal" family. We go to the movies, for walks, roller skating and to school functions. But sometimes the Big C rears its ugly head and we are all forced to do hard things. Yes, we are all getting a crash course in resilience, but sometimes I would just like it to all go away, especially for my "babies".    

However, although it sucks, we must deal, so that is what we do.

 I get up everyday, grateful for what is there in that moment and try to resist looking beyond it. I'm having more minutes when I "forget" I have the Big C. I am teaching my children to take on more responsibilities, like zipping up my boots because my fingers are hurting too much. 

We are not always angry, sad, or scared. But, sometimes those moments tend to sneak up on us. We do the best we can to address the emotions that go along with them and keep moving forward. So far it seems to be working.

And just to clarify, 

"For as long as I can" for me means a very, very, very, very, very, very long time.

“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.”

-John Wesley

Borrowing Mom's Rose-Colored Glasses...

This morning I wrote a post on Facebook. 

"Although most " cancer" posts are meant to spread the word and encourage, some are tough to swallow and actually do not help. I know the intention is in the right place, but sometimes it may be best to block me and others who are experiencing it first hand. Those who are living with it don't really need to be reminded of some things. I'm not ungrateful, just keeping it real."

I kind of stirred things up with this post, received some apologies and decided to clarify a bit more.

"I certainly didn't mean to stir things up with this post. Let me clarify that encouraging posts are always a welcome sight and appreciated to keep me moving in the right direction."

Facebook is interesting. Like many other things in life, there are both positives and negatives. Messages can be interpreted in many ways, causing waves of emotions from all those involved. 

Yesterday was one of the not so good days for me. I was beyond exhausted, having stomach issues, and just all around feeling gross. I went to bed early last night and when I got up this morning, I saw a post. Determined not to have another bad day, I said what was on my mind. I'm not one to beat around the bush. If I believe in something, I will speak up. 

For quite some time I have seen a post circling on Facebook that has bothered me when I read it. It's sad, and heart-wrenching...a definite downer. Although people are encouraged to share the post to honor all those affected by the Big C, it would seem more honorable not to post it. I know I am not alone in my feelings, as there are others out there fighting fierce battles as well.

Obviously I'm not in charge of telling everyone what and what not to post on social media. We are individuals, with individual ideals, thoughts, motivations, and connections. I just felt the need to bring some attention to the situation just in case you never really thought about it before. If you want to keep posting those downers, then so be it, it's the real deal...I'll just keep growing the layers on my skin. 

Never is it my intent to make anyone ever feel bad. As I noted previously, I know the intent of the posts are only done with love. I just ask that you really reflect on what you're posting and how it may impact others.

Now, I'm going to abruptly change the subject. I am not a sports person. I did not watch the Superbowl, but I did change the channel and see the end of the halftime show. I enjoyed it, especially at the end when this was shown...it actually gave me chills.

I later found out that not everyone was a fan of the halftime event. Many were insulted and voiced their opinions. I was ignorant to the entire controversy, neglected to see how it could have been offensive, and enjoyed what I saw.

The Halftime Show was one event that stirred lots of feelings, probably all accurate regardless of where you stand.

Reviewing the entire show online, I don't love it as much as I did the first time, but there were glimmers of energy, talent, unity and love that I did like.

It just reminded me that we can always take away something positive from every situation, sometimes we just have to put on our rose colored glasses and search a bit harder.

"See everything through rose-colored glasses and be happy with the little things in your life." 

Dedicating this post to my Momma who excels at putting on her rose-colored glasses. 




I also need to wish my Memere a very Happy 94th Birthday today. You can read about my mem on last year's post. 

   

A decade plus 2...

I've told the story before, but every year I still like to relive it and tell it again. Twelve years ago tonight we got a phone call saying this little man was born. I knew instantly he was meant to be our son, as he was born on my late pepere's birthday...it was meant to be. 

Although it seems like a short time ago, it is also hard to remember life without this guy. E is chuck full of spirit. He is also strong willed and kind-hearted, stubborn and sweet, smart, perceptive and funny. We can sometimes be like oil and water, but there is always love and it is always a privilege to be his Momma.

When I look at how fast it's gone by, it brings tears. We have a middle schooler, 4 years away from driving and halfway to age 24. It seems we have such a short time with these little beings. I'm going to cling to this time as long as I can.

As I looked through old pictures, I found these from 5 years ago that pretty much sum up our E.

Happy 12th birthday to the boy who made me a Momma. I love you bunches! xo

Previous birthday posts, (which are pretty much more of the same): 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010   

Moments instead of milestones...

Four years ago, on this date, I had my mastectomy surgery to "rid" my body of the Big C. For the past three years it was a milestone for me because I was considered to be cancer free. With each passing year, I felt a little more reassured that it would not reappear. Mid June of this past year I obviously discovered I was wrong. Not only did it reappear, it seems it may not have been completely gone in the first place and has made a beastly return, attacking me physically and emotionally. The Big C and all it brought with it has changed me, and upon its return, it has continued to trigger my metamorphosis.

I can come up with quite a lengthy list of the negative changes, like surgeries, scars, and side effects of chemotherapy, but who wants to listen to that. Instead, I will mention, again, the ways that the Big C has done me some good. (Now that just sounds ridiculous, but it is true.) It has revealed some things that I may have otherwise never seen. 

It has made evident the loving people I have in my life who continue to shower daily blessings upon me. 

I know now that I am more of a fighter than I ever thought I could be. 

I'm more grateful for the everyday, mundane moments in my life. 

I am a positive person because that is how I was raised...my parents are two of the most positive, faith-filled people I know. 

My brothers are sensitive humans like me. 

My BFF soul sister is truly like no other (I did know that already though). 

I'm more appreciative of the everyday moments with my children, even if it's during a battle to do math homework. 

And, I'm more in love with my husband and it continues to grow deeper on a daily basis.  

Of course I'm still a work in progress, like all of us, and I continue to try to improve.

I try not to get caught up in the trivial things, like dirty clothes on the floor, messy rooms, or...math homework.

I try to have more faith and not freak out with every twinge of something going on in my body. One of my doctors said to me, "You can actually have some things that happen not due to the cancer." Good point. A headache could just be a headache, not specifically due to the yuck in my brain. I'm still trying to do my best to find the peace.

I try not to look back and think about how my life could be without this diagnosis...it just makes it all that more difficult to move forward. 

So, perhaps milestones tend to be too big to focus on, so I will choose to seek the moments instead. I will hike this mountain one step at a time and see where it takes me. 

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments.

Rose Kennedy

Dare to live...

When I go to my Energy Healer almost every week, I listen to Andrea Bocelli. This song is in my rotation of songs. It's powerful, both the music and the words. I dare you to listen to it and not be motivated to go out in the world and "Vivere"(live).

Since initially being diagnosed with breast cancer in late 2011, I've found that my love for music has actually become one of the crucial factors in my healing. Lyrics that I may not have paid such close attention to back before this nonsense mean something different for me now. With this recent diagnosis I'm even more inspired to cling to the words and the messages. 
Some songs get my cry on, some make me want to dance, some relax me, and some motivate me to kick some A#%! All of them are part of my healing and growth to carry on. 
Rachel Platten's song is a new favorite. and then there is "Fight Song", when one cannot resist the urge to belt it out along with her...when I'm in the shower...and no one is home. Otherwise I could inspire my family to move away.
Go listen to your favorite music, get inspired, inspire others and most of all, Dare to Live.